It is that time of year again, and we here at ZubazPants.com figured we would let our readers know what we are giving up to the Lord for Lent. A few of us Zubazkateers each wrote a piece describing exactly what we would be giving up for the 40 days of Lent, and you can read each and every account right here in this article … enjoy.

Bryan Byrne

Lent huh? What a shitty concept lent is. Back in the day when I actually practiced it, I used to give up something like Popsicles. I’m sure Jesus really appreciated that one, things like that are probably a slap to JC’s face.

He is probably thinking, “I had to wear this damn crown of thorns, carry this big friggin’ hunk of wood up this huge ass hill, and then be crucified to top it all off, and what do I get in return!?! Oh little Bryan Byrne is giving up Popsicle sticks for 40 days, HOW SWEET, IT WAS ALL WORTH WHILE!”

This year I am actually going to give something up. First here are some of the runners up for being given up. Stop staring at that one girl in each of my classes who I think is the “hottest” – never gonna happen. Another one was not to turn on MTV to see “How bad it is” – also not gonna happen, because even though I think most of what is on MTV is the worst shit ever, I can’t not give it the time of day when I’m watching TV. Another one was to save all the money I earn, instead of throwing it into the black hole where it usually goes—YEAH RIGHT.

What I am actually going to give up is a secret that I will reveal to the world today, for those of you who thought that I enrolled in Westchester Community College, well it was all a lie. A clever hoax if you will, I am currently not enrolled in any classes, I am ashamed to admit this but when I pretend to be at class, I actually just sneak into the back room of the local Taco Bell dressed as a clown and watch the little Mexican ladies sensually roll up those sexy ass burritos, tacos, and quesadillas. It really gets my mojo flowing.

I have decided to give this act up for lent, so instead of dressing like a clown I will take it down a notch and dress like Vinny Barbarino from the show “Welcome Back Kotter.” I know that it is sacrifices like these that will help me to get into good graces with the Lord, it is going to be really hard but if it has to be done, it has to be done.

Ian Valentine

For Lent I am going to be giving up being so damn good looking. I mean it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have every girl want you? I mean it’s frightening how much girls want me. I can’t even leave my room without girls approaching me and asking me on dates and asking me for premarital sex.

After a while it gets annoying having so many gorgeous women being all over me. I mean, I get no free time to myself, as girls will never leave me alone. To make it worse, then I get all stressed over which girl to take home that sometimes I can’t have fun while I’m out because I don’t want to choose the wrong girl to piledrive. And stress isn’t good, because as you may or may not know, stress causes premature wrinkles, which won’t be good for my stunning face.

Also, because so many girls want me, I have much more sex than the average person, leaving me at a higher probability for sexually transmitted diseases, and who knows how many babies I have out there.

Seriously, being so good looking isn’t as good as you think. Being so, I am going to stop being so good looking until Easter. However, I am sure most people less beautiful don’t realize it, but this may prove to be an extremely difficult task. It’s going to be hard to hide this ravishing face and chiseled body. But I will try my best.

I am going to grow a beard (even though it may cause me to look more rugged and manly), I am only going to wear sweatpants and hoodys (which I look great in anyways), and I’m not going to use soap (which is most likely the only thing that can stop me from being so damn attractive). So there’s what I am giving up for lent. Although this may be damn near impossible, I am going to try my best to not be so much more attractive than the average person. It must be done, I need a break from my life of perfection and sin.

Paul Cancun

This year is going to be a little harder than usual for Lent. For this habit I have been doing since 6th grade ... jerking off in the shower.

You might be saying, "Paul why would you do that? You're not hurting anybody except your penis." Well the reason is the drain has been getting clogged, and clogged bad. So bad that whenever somebody showers it looks like they just took a bath. I know you guys know what I'm talking about.

So in a way I am affecting other people's lives in that my roommates stand in a bathtub full of nasty water when they shower.

But wait there is more. I also am going to have to give up using Russell Gilbert's bar of Irish Spring to jerk off with. That fresh Irish scent always made for a more manly experience. I had to be careful to pull out all those ruby pubies from it afterwards though cause that shit will cement right in.

I really didn't want to give this up for Lent, especially since Russell and I have had a little falling out lately and he stopped talking to me. Another thing I'm going to give up is hooking up with his girlfriend Stephanie behind his back.

Good riddance to that hoe.

Nick Rude

This year for lent I’m going to give up Losee. For those of you who have never tried Losee, you need to, now.

No, Losee is not a drug. He is one of my closest confidants.

No I’m not going to give up hanging out with my good pal and roommate for two years, Frank Losee. I’m going to give up using the name Losee as a word. Why you ask? Because I use it too much.

I use Losee as a verb, noun, adjective, and to be frank, no pun intended, I use Losee however it fits. The word Losee flows off of my tongue more often then I think of regretting the crush I had on Anna Chlumsky after I saw Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain.

Just in case if me giving up Losee for lent makes you want to go outside and scream for Losee let me give you some Losee lessons.

For those of you who don’t know Frank Losee, meet Losee.

And for those of you who don’t know, Losee is pronounced LOW-SEE.

Possibly the biggest way that I use Losee in my life is when singing. Whenever I can’t remember the lyrics to a song or cannot make out what the artist is saying there’s but one thing to do. Replace it with Losee. For example, and one of my favorites, Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer”:

“Hold me closer tiny Losee Count the headlights on the highway Lay me down in sheets of Losee”

For the sake of Losee the word Losee needs to be taken out of my vocabulary for 40 days and 40 nights. The poor guy has got to get annoyed with hearing his name so much. And hearing it in so many different contexts that he can’t tell if it is just being used for shits and giggles, or to make fun of him. I will tell you this though. I don’t use Losee in an insulting way, I use Losee because I LOVE the way it sounds. Take a few seconds out of your day and think about it.

LOSEE

LOSEE

LOSEEEEEEEEE.

You could go on forever and ever screaming bloody Losee. At least I could. That is why for 40 days and 40 nights I will vow to give up Losee.

But let me tell you, when the Easter Bunny comes this year I will not be searching for hidden eggs. I will be singing and chanting LOSEE, LOUD AND PROUD.

LOSEE.

Ok, no more Losee… I promise.

Matt Fishman

Although I’m Jewish and therefore do not celebrate Lent, I believe that attempting to quit a bad habit is a grand idea. I have a bad habit that I would like to resist. Simply put, I vow to stop pushing my grandmother down the stairs.

It all started when I was a little boy and my grandmother would baby-sit me. I used to be a little mischievous, and as a joke, she would always say, “Stop fooling around, Matthew, or I’ll push you down the stairs!” I would always retort with, “Oh yeah? How about if I push you down the stairs, grandma?” We would both laugh, but I thought it would be a real hoot if I actually did it. Long story short, I did it, she was really hurt, my parents were angry, the police were horrified, the therapist they assigned me was baffled, and I was very amused. But it didn’t stop there.

Once they unwired her jaw, my grandmother forgave me since she is such a kind woman. The next year, around Thanksgiving, she was at the top of the stairs again. Well, I ran up to her and kicked her from behind so hard, that if she were a football, she would have sailed 60 yards. She tumbled down the steps like a wrinkled sack of potatoes. My parents were very angry this time, the police were ready to beat me, the therapist they assigned me called me the Devil, and I was very amused.

Anyway, it is now a tradition in my family to kick grandma down the steps every time she visits. And by family, I mean just me. And by tradition, I mean they always tell me to stop and it just makes me more anxious to do it. But since I’m being included in this Lent business, I can 3% guarantee you that I’ll try to quit.

Jim Byrne

For me, the decision of what to give up for Lent was simple.

All I had to do was look in the mirror and I ask, “what do you love more than anything else on this Earth?”

“My girlfriend?”

“No.”

“Eggo Waffles with a glass of milk?”

“Nah.”

“Inserting my penis into the Nintendo Entertainment System?”

“NO!”

Hmmm … this was going to be harder than I thought.

“Wait a second,” I thought. “I’ve got it! I’m going to stop pretending to be Vigo—the painting from Ghostbusters 2--because lately I have been imitating his ass like you wouldn’t believe!”

“BINGO!”

So that was it, I decided to stop pretending to be that wacky Carpathian, but let me tell you, this is much easier said than done! Every day when I wake up I find myself sneering like Viggy would and immediately have to slap myself across the face before I get too far into the role.

I mean, next thing you know and I am thinking my brother is Janosz (pronounced Ya-knowsh) and I am asking him to get me “a child.” It is hard to restrain myself sometimes.

But I know I can do it. It may be the most fun thing in the world to impersonate Vigo—the scourge of Muldavia—but sometimes in life you just have to make sacrifices. Even when it is one as painful as ceasing impersonations of a certain blonde bombshell that resides in a painting from a movie sequel that came out in 1990.

And that is definitely what I am trying to do. Pray for me!

Brian Weinstein

Being Jewish, I’ve never had to think about giving something up for Lent. I never got a good sense of what Lent is about because my gentile friends who did give something up for Lent always chose something really insignificant or random to give up. A year or two ago, my friend Joe gave up Bass Ale for Lent. A lot of Christian girls I know say they’re giving up chocolate for Lent. A lot of older people give up their second cup of coffee or cheesecake for dessert.

Oh, the suffering!

So when I found out the reason for Lent was to pay respect to Jesus for 40 days of persecution, I felt I should give up something really important. Something that would truly make me suffer. Not beer, or junk food or watching the Knicks on MSG (although that would seem like a blessing at this point).

I’m giving up insulin for Lent.

Weinstein's giving up the hard stuff for The Son

I rely on insulin way too much. Ever since I was diagnosed with Type-1, or “juvenile” diabetes 16 years ago, I’ve needed to take insulin shots every day. Well, fuck that. Not for the next 40 days. Just because I’m diabetic doesn’t mean I can’t suffer for our Lord and Savior. Sure, it may be “unhealthy” or “life-threatening” to withhold insulin from my body for 40 days, but people who say that just don’t understand religion.

Isaac Cass

Alright, Alright, ALRIGHT. As you may know lent is here and that means giving up something for good old JC. Too be quite honest I don’t know much about it, I’ve never given up anything for faith. Well, now I’ve lied because one time during Passover I tried fasting but that went down in flames when I ate a peanut butter and Matzah sandwich at 2 p.m. (For non Jews that’s about 3.5 hours too early, sundown is when you can finally eat).

I’m not lazy or undisciplined and I could be just like Nazr Mohammed and fast everyday until sundown for a month but why deny myself these earthly pleasures? (Also on top of that I’m also not Muslim).

I don’t really understand lent that much but I think along the same lines as Judaism and Islam that it’s pretty bizarre to give something up. Why are we causing unwanted pain to our bodies? Please tell me? There is enough pain, why must we self inflict for salvation? Why are all of our religions depriving us WHYYYYYY!?! I know there’s probably a biblical, torahical, and koranical answer for this but I’m not interested in one because I am a realist so don’t waste your breath. So now I will run the list of celebrities and athletes of all religions and see how this faith-based self-depravation has made them a better person, or has it?

Example A: Barry Bonds

Good ole’ Barry and the dangling religious statement. Come on Barry we know you shoved a needle in your ass directly 2 feet under that earring. Is that being faithful to your religion? Using illegal drugs banned by the FDA? Wait Bonds there’s more, I’ve heard some talk about you having a mistress on the side? That’s adultery Barry you have broken the sacred bond of marriage. It’s quite clear in this situation Barry should’ve given up steroids, and being a man slut for lent the past 10 years.

Example B: Hakeem Olajuwon

It’s understandable you are pissed off at capitalistic America because the only shoe company looking to give you a deal was SPALDING. With all that aside, rumor has it you gave funding to Anti-U.S. terrorist organizations. I have no proof of this or not but I heard it in the rumor mill. You are trying to destroy the country that nicknamed you “The Dream,” that is low Hakeem, real low.

Example C: Roseanne Barr

Okay Roseanne, you are Jewish, and it looks like you haven’t fasted since you were in the womb and the umbilical cord was clogged up for a brief moment or two. Has your faith really helped you? You had the worst sitcom in the history of sitcoms and by the way Jewish and white-trash are oxy morons and you should’ve known that before slaughtering yourself in that role. On top of all this you converted Tom Arnold to being a Jew, come on Rosanne there’s a bad enough stigma already and now we need Tom Arnold? Plus how do you expect Arnold to fast?

Frank Andolina

I have a sickness, a disease if you will. I’m not talking about hepatitis, it’s much more dangerous than that. I’m talking about something that has plagued me for years. I’m 24 years old for Christ’s sake; I really shouldn’t have this problem. One could estimate that 83 percent of my workday is spent performing this activity.

It’s just so effortless. Right-click, move hand down ever so slightly, click Get Buddy Info… That’s all it takes. I have a serious addiction to checking away messages, but after the completion of this, I will be giving up my most cherished activity until Easter Sunday.

This isn’t going to be as easy as I thought. How am I going to check up on my old college buddies…Oh wait, they don’t sign on anymore. How am I going to check up on the hometown crew…Hey, they are never online either. Well, who’s away messages am I checking? Oh, that’s right, I spend the majority of my day reading away messages of people I’ve never met or hardly even know.

I love knowing what that one guy from school is up to. You know, the one who was in the seminary but then decided he was gay and quit the seminary and starting acting all queer. And how else am I going to find out when my old next-door neighbor’s roommate’s girlfriend’s next Sports and Exercise Science exam is scheduled? I don’t really know what I’m going to do without the “class, class, lunch, work, class, meeting, study, bed” sequence and let us not forget those darling smiley faces.

But hey, forty days of not reading how much you love your baby surrounded by hearts and shit might be good for me. I can get my Napoleon Dynamite quotes elsewhere. And I’ll just start my own countdown until your 21st birthday. I know I can do this. I am a strong person and will fight all temptations in the name of Lent.

But man, oh man, this is going to suck. Maybe I’ll just give up chips.

Michael Lucinski

When our Lord died, he did so for us. His act was the supreme example of self-sacrifice. My Lenten-going-without should attempt to emulate his selflessness, his consideration for the dignity and worth of others. Consequently, during Lent, I will not think of my female friends while I climax during masturbation.

My life has been blessed by numerous attractive female acquaintances. My depravity has abused this privilege, however. As a result of my ill considered self- pleasuring, countless angels and baby unicorns have perished as the result of my dirty mind and dirty hand.

Why do I repeatedly commit such an odious act? Hasn’t the Internet enriched our lives with a bounty of beautiful, female flesh? Haven’t gentle souls like Hugh Hefner and the guys at Bangbus.com expanded our horizons with innumerable jerk and tug options? Why can’t I be satisfied with air brushed and breast implanted super models or video captures of B-movie actress languidly writhing around in bed on camera because they had no other job prospects that month?

Oh, S----- and G----- how I have wronged you. You’ve made me laugh and provided valuable counsel and insight regarding the inner workings of the female mind. In return, I’ve imagined you as willing participants in acts that cross all good and decent boundaries of fellowship; including you committing carnal acts with each other.

And B-----, you picked the absolute time to Instant Message me while I indulged in the contents of my desktop folder labeled “The Good Stuff”. That shiver down your spine you felt began just as I finished up.

I realize the error of my ways. During Lent I will cease my debased thoughts. To my female friends, I say you are safe from the depredations of my imagination. No longer will your clothes come off to reveal the most delicate of undergarments. No longer will I imagine us entwined together, on the cusp of ecstasy, as you tell I am bigger than your boyfriend.

Lord, I promise I will stop.

For you.

For awhile.

Russell Gilbert

Being the religious nut that I am, I was counting down the days until lent. Seriously, it doesn’t get much better than being able to give something up knowing it’s for a good cause.

I decided to give up my friendship with Paul Feuer. It sounds pretty fucked up but believe me it’s been a long time coming. Maybe it’s because I used to live with him in the basement of 142 Highgate or maybe he’s just that god damn annoying.

All this kid does is bitch, bitch, bitch. He’s always whining about the fact that no one reads his articles. Newsflash cock smoker: your articles suck more dick than a 10 cent hooker.

I caught him clicking on his article about 15 times so it looked like people actually read his Aaron Carter “masterpiece.” Another thing that really bugs the hell out of me is that he’s trying to dress like me. When I first met him he was wearing a denim jacket with overalls on. He even had steps in his hair. Now he’s wearing jerseys every god damn day. Every time I go out rocking a jersey, there’s Paul by my side wearing some ugly ass Paul Pierce jersey, “ but Russ my name is Paul and it’s a Paul Pierce jersey, get it?”

Idiot.

And that fucking over rated Oakley case is going to end up in some homeless persons grocery cart. I can’t look at that thing anymore. The first thing he does when he gets home from work is break out some Windex and shine, “Charles Oakley Case” up nice. Man I hate this kid. Is there anyway that we can practice lent for a whole year?

Michael Morano

As it goes every year, I never know what to give up. Chocolate? Beer? Sex? Those are so cliché. This year I thought I’d give up something REAL tough. So, I decided to give up watching the Denver Nuggets. Seriously, if I happen to catch them on TV, it’s going right to the next channel.

But of course I didn’t give up the Nugs. MMM Weed Nugs.

Honestly, I gave up humping the television set every time a beautiful lady graces the screen. Debra Messing, Jennifer Anniston, Grace Under Fire. Oh hell yeah, I put out her fire that’s for sure. It’s not something I could help really. It’s an urge that I can’t control, UNTIL NOW.

Ooooh!>

Thank you Lent, you gave me a choice. A choice that I choose to not hip thrust Elvis style at Phoebe Cates and Patricia Richardson (AKA Jill from Home Improvement.) I’m pretty confident I can go the full 40 days and nights on my way to glory.

Questions or comments? What are you giving up for lent? E-mail Zubazfiles@yahoo.com