I’m going to blatantly rip off the genius that was MTV’s The State, but we here at ZubazPants.com wanted to write one of those tributes that people get when they die, so we decided to write one up even though Jay Han isn’t really dead. I repeat, Jay Han is not dead; he is happily living in Buffalo as you read this.

Anyway, Mr. Han is probably the single most classic person I have ever met. I won’t even begin to describe here, I’ll let you find out for yourself in the coming stories.

I hope you enjoy some of the finer moments in Jay “the lovable Asian guy” Han’s career at the University at Buffalo. Which, is not finished yet by the way, thanks in part to some of these stories probably. Whatever though, they were great times.

What can we say, sophomore year equaled a lot of pot, and a lot of classic Jay Han (far right) stories.

Probably one of my favorite and most told stories ever … this one has “classic college” written all over it.

First, a little back story. For high school graduation, I received a $50 gift certificate to RadioShack from some person at my graduation party. I had wanted one of those diesel megaphones for a long time, but at the steep price of $75, I was never too willing to throw down the cash. I knew it would be worth the money, but I just didn’t have that kind of cash to throw around. Sadly, I still don’t. Buying an Archie comic book puts me in the red for months. Anyways, this gift certificate opened a whole new world for me and my friends, and I picked up the megaphone the first chance I had while only having to pay $25 dollars. Needless to say, our days before college were filled with countless hours of driving around and harassing people with the booming ability of the megaphone.

So, one day sophomore year, I mentioned to one Jay Han that I had a megaphone back at home that could be heard for up to six miles. Bad idea. So, I brought it up to college. Very bad idea. So, I let Jay Han borrow it. Extremely bad idea.

Jay was the scourge of Buffalo with this thing. Me and my friends back home would be clever and funny about the things we said on it. Jay was just plain wicked. He was mercilessly ripping on kids from our dorm window. The stuff is unrepeatable even here! It got so bad that the kids that lived below us began to hate all of us with a passion because they lumped us all in with Jay and his harassing from the window. These fucks dumped Kool-Aid under our door, causing an infestation of ants! It was bad.

But, I’m getting sidetracked here. This is what Jay Han can do to you. One story goes on a tangent, and that goes on a tangent and so on and so forth.

So, let’s get to the meat of this story.

I laugh out loud when I think about it to this day.

You know those college tours where some douche takes visiting high schoolers around the campus and sells the bullshit propaganda to them about how the dorms aren’t dungeon-like and that the food really is pretty damn good? Of course you do.

Well, one day, one of these tours was going through the courtyard below our dorm room window.

As you would guess, Jay Han sprung into action.

Grabbing the megaphone and rolling to the window in one fell swoop, Han muttered the words that are now immortalized in UB lore.

“SEND US YOUR VIRGINS!!!” boomed Han with the use of the megaphone to the passing tour group below. Obviously, every single one of them turned and looked up to the window in shock.

One of the dads on the tour was furious. He yelled back, “HEY, FUCK YOU!” in a voice nearly as loud as the megaphone!

But Han would not be bested by this overzealous Dad, so he megaphoned “FUCK YOU TOO!” right back at the tour group.

It was unbelievable.

I wonder how many of the kids on that tour wound up going to UB?

Jay Han during the stage where he was affectionately referred to as "MoHan."

If you go to the University of Buffalo, don’t use the last dryer on the left in the Red Jacket Quadrangle, trust me on this one.

The smell of bleach, or the smell of dampness. Sometimes laundry doesn’t come out how we expected it. We forget about it and it sits in the washer for two days and smells worse than when you put it in.

Or if you’re like my dad, you leave pens in your pocket and everybody’s clothes get ink stains all over them.

Laundry sucks even more in college because you have to wait hours on end just to get a washer. It’s like the thruway during rush hour. It sucks ass but clears up as it gets later in the night.

Jay Han probably could have laundry in the middle of the night since he was up anyway, the kid was nocturnal, but did it during peak hours anyway.

So he goes to do laundry and all the machines are full. He says, “Fuck!” and turns around to leave when a girl comes in and takes her shit out. Not her coochie, but her clothes.

So Jay starts putting his shit in and the girl walks out. Meanwhile as he’s loading in his clothes a guy walks in and gives him a dirty look. Jay must have stolen the machine he was waiting for.

Shrugging it off, Jay goes upstairs and returns later to check on it. He opens his washer and sees a bunch of shit mixed in with his clothes; it was chocolate chip cookies. This wasn’t some kind of new laundry detergent. Even though that would be fucking awesome if they made laundry detergent that smelled like fresh baked cookies. The guy Jay stole the dryer from was so pissed off he actually put cookies in with Jay’s clothes.

Taking his clothes out of the washer and putting them in a basket, Jay begins to stake out the laundry room 007-style. Picture the movie “Predator” where Arnold is hiding in the forest and you see a first person view of him watching the Predator as he scans the area. It was kind of like that.

Watching from the dining hall, the guy finally returns and transfers his stuff from the washer to the dryer. He leaves.

Like the Meatloaf album, Jay ran like a “Bat out of Hell” to the laundry room. Before there was R. Kelly, there was J. Han.

Jay, in true gentleman fashion, opens the dryer and doing his best Kelly impersonation, pees inside the dryer and all over this guy’s clothes! Jay then grabbed his own laundry and ran to the other building to finish his load.

Like others, I did not believe this story when I first heard it. I mean, who has the balls to piss inside a dryer when you have tons of people passing by every minute. The risk of getting caught was just too great in my mind for anybody to pull such a stunt.

The next day we went down there and opened the dryer. To steal a quote from Jerry Seinfeld, “it hit you like punch in the face.” It smelled so bad. Piss smells bad enough, but when it’s baking at 300 degrees it’s even worse.

For the next several months I avoided that dryer. I would let everybody go ahead of me just as long as I didn’t get stuck with that dryer.

So if you’re ever visiting UB, take a trip to Red Jacket Building 3, dryer number 6, and see the dryer that has been immortalized. And always smell your dryers before using them.

Jay during our sorriest time at UB. We’re still sorry Z. Forgive us?

Jay Han is notorious for having low, if any, standards for women. Not to trash on him, he has had some fine women come his way, and has gotten a lot of ass; just some haven’t been Grade A Prime Rib meat. More like Taco Bell, Grade D meat. But that’s not my point.

Jay is a big fan of sex. Whenever, wherever, and with whomever.

So, once he started working at Wegman’s, a Western New York supermarket, he immediately had his eye out for some potential booty. Eventually he came across a girl and would come home and tell us all about this girl he was going to nail. We were all happy for him, since we know Jay loves sex (who doesn’t?).

One day Jay went out with this girl and never came home. The next day he walks into the dorm room quietly and proceeds to sit at his desk for a few hours not bringing the subject up whatsoever.

As you would imagine, we were all quite curious as to what exactly happened, but no one wanted to bring it up.

Paul finally did, but to put it mildly, Jay did not give a ringing endorsement of his wild night of hotel banging.

All Jay said was, “Yeah I fucked her. I’m not really proud of it though. Actually I’m kind of depressed. I thought, wow, I am really pathetic, I am fucking fat chicks now.”

Turns out Jay’s night of lust turned out to be a low point for his standards.

Out of all of the wonderful Jay Han stories, those involving “The Mask” make up his finest hour.

One day, Han came home with a mask he bought from Spencer’s. It is the same exact one you see in the picture below. All of us in the dorm thought nothing of it, and we actually thought it was just another strange Jay Han purchase to go along with his “Waving Santa Claus” and “Racing Helmet.”

This is the exact mask, somehow I found it on google.

The waving Santa.

The infamous racing helmet, one of Han’s dubious purchases sophomore year.

God, were we wrong. This mask would take us all on a wonderful and wild ride.

It started one day in mine and Paul’s rebo math class with Mr. Busch. We were just sitting in class, intentionally answering questions completely wrong just for fun, when we saw Jay Han walk by in the hallway. Our eyes met, and magic was in the making.

Han now knew where our class was, so next week he asked us if we wanted him to burst into the classroom wearing the mask. Naturally, me and Paul said, “hell yes.”

Class begins and me and Paul begin to wonder if Han is going to go through with it or not. At about the 40-minute mark of class, our hopes begin to fade. At the 45-minute mark, a smirking Jay Han walks by and scopes out the class. Our hearts skipped a beat, as we knew of the impending madness Han was about to wreak upon Mr. Busch and the rest of the rebos in the high school math class.

Boom. All of a sudden Han jumps in the room wearing the mask and just screams “RAHHHHH!” The whole fucking class jumped back in their seats, and like that, Han was gone. Me and Paul were literally crying for the rest of the class because we thought it was so funny.

Little did we know, that was an appetizer for what lied in store.

The three of us were so giddy about what had happened, we talked for a week about an encore performance and how it should be staged out. Before giving away any details, I’ll just tell the story.

Everyone is sitting in class, business as usual, and it is the week before the test, so we are having a review where we are going over the square root of 25 or some shit like that. Standard review class, and nobody expects that masked man to return again. Well, except for me and Paul.

At about the 30-minute mark of the class, a mask-wearing Han comes strolling into the class and sits right down in the first row of the class. Mr. Busch obviously didn’t give a shit, so he walked over to his masked friend and gave him a fucking review sheet! This was going better than planned, Busch was actually playing along!

At this point, everyone in the class must have been completely mystified, but add to the fact that it was rebo math, and these fuckers were totally befuddled by the situation at hand. Han was just sitting there, looking around, as the class went by normally. That is, until Mr. Busch asked one certain question and Han decided it was time to act.

Han raised his hand to answer.

Busch called on him and Jay answered something like “A” when the answers were marked “1, 2, 3, 4,” so Busch tells him that he was wrong and class is about to roll on.

Jay would have none of it though and SLAMS his hands on the desk and yells, “Well, I guess I’m out, because I had sex last night …WITH A GIRL! WOOOOOOH!!!” a la DJ Qualls in Road Trip. One pelvic thrust later and Han has exited the classroom.

The room didn’t know what to think, but erupted in laughter a few short moments later. Me and Paul must have looked like we were dying. I was in pain because I was laughing so hard. It was amazing. Easily one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life.

Jay would come back to the class one more time, but that time was really weird and was probably the low point of the Mask era. He did give Mr. Busch a hug that time though.

That wasn’t the last we would hear of the mask though, it would come back, stronger than ever. You’ll have to read on to hear about the other two mask encounters.

the masked man revealed!

Boston Market

Some people find a job in high school or college that they love and stay there for the rest of their lives. Then there are some people who look to break the record for number of jobs held.

This leads us to Jason Junwoo Han.

My sophomore dorm consisted of myself, Jim, Putter, and Jason Han himself. We all applied at Boston Market in early September of 2001 because of the hot chicks that worked there and were hired immediately.

Little by little we all had our first days. Jim and Putter were the first to work, then me, then Jay.

When the schedules came out next week, it was obvious somebody was missing. Jay had just been given the cut after only 1 day of work. Could this be right? Or did they just forget about him?

Turns out that one of the managers there, Jen Lu, hated him, and every other employee besides us said that Jay just stood there with his arms folded while a line formed out the door. Not only that but it has been rumored Jay stated, “I don’t know what to do, it’s my first day!” Kind of bogus if you ask me, but shit, fired after one day, that’s just crazy.

Nobody bothered to tell him he was fired. He was a dropped angle, kind of like the Seven from “Married with Children.”

Jay and Jen Lu giving each other the finger at the Boston Market X-mas party. Jay was brought to the party as a guest of ours. “Ho” can be seen in the background. We taught him that saying “Thank you, Purple Kool-Aid!” was the proper way to welcome customers.

Days Worked Counter: 1

Putnam’s: Taste of Tokyo

In desperate need for a job, Jay Han did what any reasonable Asian college student would do…he applied at the Chinese eatery in our school cafeteria. The place was called Putnam’s and consisted of a bunch of lunch bars. I believe the island he worked at was called “Taste of Tokyo” or some Asian thing like that.

I never knew he even applied there and got the job. I just happened to be walking through there and he yelled my name. This is how the conversation went:

No explanation given, guess he hated being the Asian guy at the Asian restaurant.

Coincidentally enough, Jay was hired back one year later at the same place and again worked only one day before never showing up again. I guess you never can tell those guys apart.

Days Worked Counter: 2

Mobil on the Run

The two fiascos above didn’t bring down Jay’s spirits. I think the night after he got fired from Boston Market he even got laid, but Ian has more on that.

As the stereotype goes, Asians are pretty damn smart. Some know a lot about school; Jay knows a lot about cars. He was instantly hired at Mobil on the Run. Actually the reason he probably was hired was because he’s a minority and they had to.

He worked night shifts so we barely saw him for a week.

One morning Putter and I returned from class to Jim and Jay lying in bed, not together though. Jim tells us we have to listen to the answering machine. Here’s what it says…

Machine: Jason this is your boss at Mobile. You left a pretty expensive piece of equipment out last night, this isn’t the first time you’ve done this, so don’t bother coming in Monday night, or anymore for that matter.

Wow, harsh.

We all had a good laugh. Jay said he hated the place anyway and only worked there to get access to parts to use on his car. It was his longest job yet, three days. He never bothered returning to the employment world that sophomore year and chose to concentrate more on his studies.

Which brings us to Micro Economics.

Total Days Worked Counter: 5

As a freshman I had taken Micro Economics. It was a fairly difficult class but if you did the work and went to class you could pass easily. I got an “A” in the course and was actually asked to be a TA for future classes. But enough about me, let us move on to who is really important here, Mr. Han.

After changing his major for the second time in as many days, Jay finally found his calling by becoming a business major. (As of press time, Jay is currently on his 4th major and 5th year)

Getting up at 10 am for classes was a hard thing for Jay. One time as I was getting up for my 8 am class, Jay was sitting at his desk eating Domino’s and then hopped into bed for a full day’s sleep. He was a sick fuck.

He was on the night shift schedule even though he had no real job. Staying up till 6am and napping all day.

Notice that it is light in the room.

Eventually on October 16th, Jay decided to go to class. This was during the 17-hour span that Jay decided he was “turning over a new leaf.” Apparently, turning over a new leaf meant blasting that shitty Bubba Sparxxx song at 8 a.m. to get all pumped up about going to class for the first time in eons.

Anyways, I was going to class as well, so we rode the bus together. We parted ways and did the class thing. I only had one class while Jay was going to attend all three of his.

10:50 came around and I came back to the dorm and to my surprise Jay was sitting at his desk on his favorite website HondaHookup.com

He gives me the head nod and a “what’s up?”

I ask him “How the hell did you beat me back here? I only had one class.”

Jay goes on to explain that he went to the classroom, and after sitting there for about 15 minutes realized he was sitting in on history class, not economics. He got up and left in front of like 70 students, including the teacher, who must have thought he was a real dickhead.

He hadn’t been to class in so long he forgot where the room was.

Eventually he looked up the correct room and started going to class, not consistently but more frequently than before.

However he hit a fork in the road.

It was a little before Thanksgiving break when Jay realized what was holding him back from doing well in this class. Let us use this instant message one Leslie Radka received to do the explaining:

JayHan925: so im sitting in class today when the teacher starts talking about how important macro economics is in the world. This whole time I thought I was taking micro. No wonder the book didn’t make any sense!

When Jay Han drank, he got fucking drunk. And red, something you may notice in this picture.

To my recollection, besides the mask incidents involving Mr. Busch’s rebo math class, there were two other occasions where Mr. Han made an appearance in class as the masked man.

I accompanied Han on both of them, and the first of the two was, again, one of the more classic things I have ever witnessed.

Paul Feuer and Mike Putter, our other two roommates sophomore year, were in some business class and wanted “the masked man” to make an appearance. If you haven’t figured out Jay by now, you are a moron. Of course, he happily obliged.

So the kid gears up, with the megaphone in tow this time, and prepares to launch an assault upon Putter and Paul’s class.

With the siren blaring, Han bursts down the stairs of the lecture-hall classroom. He turns the siren off and yells, “HEY, YO DUQUE!” at the classroom, a reference to film Scary Movie. The teacher immediately tells him to “please, get out,” but Jay Han was not finished with his performance, so there would be no leaving without a show.

“Excuse me, is this ballroom dancing?” Han asked of the class while imitating what a “ballroom dancing” move might look like. Again, the teacher fires back, this time saying, “No it isn’t, now would you PLEASE leave?”

This prompts Han to belt out both of his catch phrases in, “Whoops!” and “My Bad!” as he slinks out of the room the way the bad guys do in the old computer game “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.” While all of this is going on in the classroom, I am literally crying as I watch from my view at the top door of the lecture hall. This shit still cracks me up thinking about it.

The last and final appearance from the masked man came in one of Putter’s classes again, with our friend Shane Morrisey (the guy that walked the chick home 6-miles, twice, in one of Ian’s hook up stories) in there as well.

Armed with his favorite toy once again, the megaphone, Han bursted into a music class in another lecture hall-type setting, this time right on the platform of the teacher though.

As he walked in, Han’s voice blared through the megaphone with the message of, “Hey, isn’t this supposed to be a music class?” He then told the class to sing along as he started his own rendition of Bon Jovi’s, “Living on a Prayer.” Nobody sung along and the teacher got in his masked face, but Jay Han did not back down. He stood his ground with the teacher, but eventually evacuated into the dorms of UB.

I tell you what, telling all these stories of the masked man really makes me miss those great times.

First of all, let me tell you that UB has a class about dinosaurs. Yes you read that right.

It’s actually called “Dinosaurs” and you learn about all the different ones, what they eat, and even what their shit looks like. More or less, it’s a great class.

It’s hard to get into because everyone wants into it. But senior year, me and a few others were lucky enough to get into it. Now, dinosaurs class was a joke. Barely paying attention and playing with model dinos is what class was. Great class for Jay to come visit like he had before.

But this time it was a little different.

Jay and our friend Russell orchestrated a run in that would be quite extraordinary. You see, in this one they would wear Halloween costumes with Jay being Spiderman and Russ being Wolverine. They would both then bust into our class in the middle of lecture and get into a fight amongst the teacher and students.

For weeks we never thought they would actually go through with it. Thankfully though, I was wrong. In the middle of class Jay runs in as Spiderman and yells out “hello kids I am Spiderman and I am here to give a lesson on drugs,” which caused our professor to yell, “Spiderman get the Hell out!”

Then bursts in Russ as Wolverine telling us not to listen to him. A fight ensues.

Wolverine hits Spiderman, causing Spiderman to spray (silly string) all over Wolverine and the crowd. Spraying the crowd caused a big ass kid to stand up and scream “FUCK YOU” right in jays face, though. Quickly they both take off running down the hall leaving the class speechless, the teacher apologetic for what happened, and my friends and me are in tears from laughing so hard. Quite possibly one of the best experiences of my classroom experiences ever. Oh and bye the way, Putter was videotaping almost the whole thing from the hallway.

http://www.ubrfvideo.com/toda/spiderman vs wolverine.mpeg

If you don’t know our Asian friend very well, let me let you in on a little secret. He’s got what people refer to as a lead foot.

I’m sure you have regretfully seen The Fast and the Furious, so I’m going to compare him to Johnny Tran. He literally races cars against other people for money. But I will give credit where it is due; he’s the best around at it.

Well at least that’s what he tells us.

But needless to say, sometimes his speeding issue overlaps into the real world where life isn’t judged a “quarter mile at a time.”

So now lets get to the point.

One day Jay was on a trip to Toronto to go to a race. At first he crossed the border and started to head north where he saw speed limit signs saying 90 km/hr. Let me emphasize “KILOMETERS PER HOUR.”

Jay is all happy as hell and starts dumping it to Toronto at 95 Miles Per Hour.

Without even wondering why he was passing everyone at intense speeds, he proceeds.

Eventually reality caught up to him and he got pulled over. Jay had no clue what was going on as he thought he was driving just fine. The cop asked him if he knew what the speed limit was. Jay responds, “yes, 90 mph.” Instantly the cop looks at him in utter disbelief and says, “this is Canada eh, the speed limit is 90 km/hr, not mph.”

Jay lowered his head in shame and regretfully swallowed his pride and took the ticket.

I have no clue what is happening in this picture. None at all.

One random night during my sophomore year at college, two of my friends and I went out to a bar. The bar was PJ Bottoms, a fun joint that caters to the underage students at UB. We drank our fill of beer - as is the custom when you go to a bar - but this night, we drank more than usual. For whatever reason, self-control was not an option. We chugged everything that we set our eyes on. We even consumed beer from an abandoned pitcher in the back of the bar. There could have been a cigarette floating in it, but we didn't care.

We staggered out of the bar with only a few dollars in our pockets. After one of us threw up in front of a store, we realized that we didn't have enough cash for a cab ride back home, and it was also too late for a bus. We decided to take the public bus back for a dollar each, but we had no idea when it was coming. We sat in the freezing cold on a hard, unforgiving bench, lost and without hope. It is my belief that we would have died there...

Suddenly, a black Acura Integra pulled up next to us and sounded its horn. We stared at the car, confused. The window rolled down, releasing a cloud of marijuana smoke from inside. It was Jay Han.

“Get in,” Jay commanded. We all ran to his car, piled in, and he sped us back to UB. It was the most amazing scene ever. It was the type of shit that you see in a movie. On the way home, I was stunned that Jay Han happened to drive by and see us. He claimed that he was high and was just driving around, but I think it was something more. What were the chances that Jay - who was driving all around Buffalo - would rendezvous with us? One in a million, and that's a scientific calculation. Jay Han knew we were there. He sensed our plight back at the dorms and rescued us. He saved us all.

Here I am, sitting in World Civilization, just another day of class.

Boy, was I wrong.

Me, Jay, and our friend Shane had class together in one of the most boring pre-requisite classes you could ever imagine. You know what kind of class I’m talking about. One of the excruciatingly painful ones.

The three of us were bored out of our minds and we just could not take it anymore, the class was agonizing. So, we are sitting there bored into oblivion when Jay had had enough and blurts out “God this sucks” loud enough so that people in our immediate vicinity hear him and start to laugh.

This grabs Shane and my attention and light bulbs went off in our heads. Shane tells Jay that he will give him 10 bucks if he yells out “NOBODY CARES!” so that the whole lecture hall hears. Initially, Jay says no because he does not want to get into trouble. Shane and I were a little disappointed but got over it quickly and went back to being bored.

Out of fucking nowhere Jay yells out “NOBODY CARES!!!!” about ten minutes later to the complete surprise to Shane and me. Shane immediately puts his head down, Jay pretends to be sleeping and I’m left stunned. The whole 400-person lecture hall turns around and looks directly at me, as if I said it.

Naturally the professor thinks it’s me also. He says, “Do you have a problem? Because if so, I think you should say it to me.”

Me, still in shock just shake my head no as Jay and Shane die laughing while I take the blame of Jays $10 paycheck.

* * *

We’ve come to the end of our tribute, though there are many stories left untold for future installments of Jay Han. I’m sure we will get to them eventually, but this article was began enough as is.

Well, we hope you have enjoyed our tribute to the life and times of Jay Han, we certainly enjoyed living through it. Thanks for the classic memories man, keep on creating those crazy fucking stories.

Questions or comments? Your own Jay Han stories? E-mail us Zubazfiles@yahoo.com