Anyone who lives outside of Yorktown Heights, New York has undoubtedly been berated with the usage of the word “perve.” I have called everything in my life perve. My flexibility with the word has caused me to refer to such anonymous things as chocolate shakes to be PERVE. Everyone else out there probably ONLY associates the word PERVE with Michael Jackson and I say shame on you because you are not sinking your teeth into the possibility of the word PERVE.
First I will guide you into the origins of the word PERVE. My first run in with the word came in second grade at my friend Ben Stark’s house. Ben and his brother frequently used the word and soon enough I was addicted to perve like a toothless Nebraskan meth addict. Let’s see, in the second grade you are eight years old and now I am twenty years old. I have been on the perve train for twelve years and have basked in every second of it.
The word perve does not have a home in the Oxford English Dictionary, only a home in the slang dictionary. UC Berkley was nice enough to offer me up their slang version of the word perve. It is as follows:
PERVE v 1. To stare with sexual intent. ("That guy was perving at her.") Submitted by Shantel, Canada, 05-06-1997. 2. to be intoxicated. ("After I drank that Everclear last night I was perving.") Submitted by Jaxxss, San Diego, CA, USA, 26-12-1997. Stare sexually (related to) under the influence of alcohol.
Now anyone can see that Berkley was only getting to 1/1000000000 of the possible definitions of PERVE. They covered the sexual grounds and I applaud them for that, but they failed to venture deeper into the power of this word, and it cannot be sold short.
PERVE can be a good title and a bad title so don’t be offended if you are declared a PERVE or hollered at for acting in a PERVE manner. Being a PERVE is usually GOOD in my book because you are doing something bizarrely unique and it is making me laugh. One can only really be bad PERVE if his or her PERVENESS is trying to cheat somebody or inflict harm. For instance bad PERVE would be like trying to sell Nike Jeans to suburban kids. I sadly fell for this scheme in 7th grade at the infamous Beech Shopping Center Flea Market located on the outskirts of Peekskill. Those people are real PERVE, PERVE off the charts of comprehensible PERVE.
My zubaz definition of the word PERVE is as follows: This is virtually a handbook for all of you that are unaware of the power of perve so pay attention and take notes, don’t come crying when you think we use PERVE to much, you’ve been forewarned.
Perve: The ultimate guide 1. My friend Frank was “PERVING” everyone out when he was too enthusiastic about my friend’s German Shepard. He was hyping it up beyond reasonable limits by screaming, “It’s an incredibly intelligent animal, incredibly intelligent!” He was shouting this at my friend’s mom whom he was never formally introduced to. Therefore he has been deemed a PERVE.
2. My friend Bryan and I flap our hands to symbolize the angels in “Angles in the Outfield,” when playing beer pong to psyche the opposing team out. We coin ourselves Glover and Gibson. When we do this we are being PERVE.
3. When my roommate Miles sits in his room and pumps emotionally fueled pre-pubescent rock he is mentally “PERVING out.”
4. When my dog Buddy sits at the stairs and peers down like he is in debt of something, he is being a god damn big PERVE (Dogs are especially PERVE and they can carry the title pretty much throughout every action of their lives).
Now I will give you visual images of the word PERVE.
Moss is an asshole, but come on man this celebration is the definition of PERVE. Unlike Terrell Owens who knew his celebrations would be used for MONEY (Sharpie) Moss does what he feels like for pure comic relief.
This picture is ultimately PERVE because someone forced the dog to actually dress up and to top it off put a burnt cigar in his mouth! It is already declared that the creator is a PERVE but look at the dog man. He is playing along with the whole thing. One would think he was cashing the check from this photo shoot and then going to bang some poodle prostitutes.
Alright, this is a picture of Jews in the Ghetto presumably during WW II. Let’s be honest, dioramas were meant to be cute, not gut wrenching. The sheer detail of the yellow Jewish star on the people adds to the hilarity. This is PERVE because I bet it was for Sunday school and all Jews know Sunday school is the most PERVE place in the world. It might as well be investment banking school. On a side note do you think the nazis will allow the guy with the dog to keep him? PERVE.
Hunter S. Thompson was one of the most PERVE writers in the history of literature (RIP). And look at these two PERVERTS in the picture, at the PERVEST place of all 24 Columbia Street, Oneonta NY. The whole seen might as well spell out PERVE in huge glowing letters.
I have exhausted my perve quota for the night. I hope you fellow zubaz readers have a better grasp of PERVE now. I will soon be creating a petition to get “PERVE” into the Oxford English Dictionary. Once PERVE is accepted into the language it will be much easier to describe situations in one word and everyone will be able to minimize their word usage. Long Live PERVE and the power it holds, now and in the future.
Don’t email me I’m to PERVE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
