Well, hello there everybody! I’m Joan Rivers, We are coming to you from live from the red carpet of the first ever Bryan Byrne Hall of Fame induction ceremony!

The celebrities and other strange people have flocked to this show just to see who or what exactly Mr. Byrne will be inducting into the hall tonight.

Oh my look who is coming down first! Why it’s none other than the Ghost of comedian John Candy!

John!, John! Is there anything you would like to say from beyond the grave!

OOOOOOOOOO I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF MY HEALTH BETTER OOOOOOOOOOO

PROFOUND, you came all the way back from the dead to tell us something everyone already knew? Ok Ok… Who is this coming down the carpet!

Why it’s a bunch of clowns!, what are you guys here for? Big fans of Mr. Byrne are you?

Nah, nah. FUCK THAT ASSHOLE, we came here for the simple purpose that we are going to take nasty Clown shits in our seats and leave them there, just to make a statement like “The clown community shits on Bryan Byrne……..yeah.

Ok whatever you say, the only thing I can say is that the janitor is not going to be pleased tonight when he was to clean up those multi-colored turds … Oh what’s that, the show is about to begin? Ok ok ... Well that wraps up our coverage from the red carpet! Enjoy the Show everybody!

Announcer: AND NOW, THE MAN OF HOUR…Ladies and gentleman PLEASE give a warm welcome to no other than MR. BRYAN BYRNEEEEEEE!!

Thank you, thank you everybody…

Now this will not be your run of the mill hall of fame, nor will it be your typical induction ceremony. Tonight I will be inducting things that have had great meaning in my life. After I announce the winners I will give a brief background story as to why these people/or things deserve to be inducted into the hall.

Is everybody ready for the first ever inductee to the Bryan Byrne Hall of Fame! ... Here goes!

#1 - The Mounted Deer Head of 24 Columbia Street

Now, I have explained 24 Columbia Street in past articles, but for those who haven’t read them, it was the shanty college home for Zubazkateers Nick Camia, Mu, and Isaac Cass. Camia, Mu, and the one they call “Losee,” were the original residents of 24 Columbia. When they first decorated the place they bought a cheapo mounted deer head from an antique shop to put up on the wall in the main room.

This deer head would be decorated to fit the time of year, and became the heartbeat of the house. During one party someone was reaching for something atop of the deer head but they could not grab it. The person asked me to grab it, but when I reached for it, the whole thing came down.

Luckily no one lost an eye, and Losee put it away in his room for the rest of the night. Later that evening when the party had ended and it was time to pass out I was looking my pillow and sleeping bag and stumbled into Losee’s room, which was pitch black. Little did I know that the Deer head was in the middle of the floor. I tripped, falling on top of it, and the back of my calf was impaled by the horn. My yelp of pain and the loud thud that came with it could be heard throughout the house.

Blood was gushing out, but I was so drunk that I just started painting on the hallway walls with the blood. It looked like a murder scene in the morning, bloody hand prints smeared all over the walls, and I even got enough blood out to write “FUCK DEER” in large letters on the stairwell wall. I was unable to walk properly for the rest of the weekend that I was there, and a round scar still remains on the back of my calf to this day.

The Deer head had won the battle, but it hadn’t won the war.

After Camia and Mu graduated and moved out, Cass and our friend Miles moved into their rooms, while Losee remained because he still needed one more semester to graduate.

The Deer head also remained, but it did not last very long.

On the first weekend of the fall semester, Cass, Miles, Losee, our friend Fairweather and I had just gotten very drunk at a party, and were looking to enjoy our first taste of freedom. After walking back from the party, we had finally arrived at 24 Columbia.

For some reason, we all went into a violent frenzy that was triggered by the mere sight of 24 Columbia Street. Before we even entered the door, Cass grabbed a hold of the gutter than was hanging off of the house and ripped the entire thing down.

The first thing that happened when the door was opened was the collective effort of knocking over the makeshift bar that was in the living room. Sending everything that was on top of it flying off and making a very loud noise as it smashed the ground.

Next Miles got on top of a dresser that was in the living room and started dancing on top of it. While he was dancing he was punching his fists into the ceiling knocking holes into it and knocking down the entire row of the paneling.

After this Cass kicked the screen door as hard as he could and knocked it off its hinges, then threw it in the front yard. Then the baseball bat was taken out, and we all took turns smashing the hell out of one of the crappier couches in the living room.

After that couch was so destroyed that it could not even resemble a couch anymore, it too was collectively thrown off the front porch and into the yard. Next we all looked up at the Deer head, and then looked at each other, realizing that the deer head was about to meet a savage end.

We took it off the wall and took turns pulverizing it with the baseball bat. First the antlers were knocked off. Then the eyeballs, and eventually it was no longer attached to the wood it was mounted on. It was beaten so badly that it opened up in the front and it’s hay stuffing went all over the place. Hay was popping out of the eyeholes, and where the nose once was.

When we were done with it, it looked like something out of a horror movie. We then threw it in the front yard with the rest of the graveyard that we had created.

After this incident, the neighbors thought we were lunatics to say the least. The Deer head was kept outside on the porch as a testament to the savagery of the people who resided inside, and as a beacon for the rest of the savages in Oneonta who might stumble down Columbia Street. The neighbors often asked questions about it, and female partygoers were often frightened by it.

Eventually the deer head was thrown out when somebody’s parents came to visit. But it will live on in memory as a legend, and I am proud to have it be the first inductee of the Bryan Byrne Hall of fame.

Now, moving on to the second inductee, this soon to be member is also an inanimate object, but don’t worry, the background story on this baby will be much shorter than the last, so here we go.

The second inductee to the Bryan Byrne hall of fame IS …

#2 The Virgin Mary Statuette at Frank Losee’s house.

“Why would Bryan be inducting a Virgin Mary statuette, is he some kind of Jesus freak?” you are most likely asking. Well, this baby has a funny story behind it, and let’s just say J.C. would not be too happy about it.

I believe it was the year 1999. It was one of the first times any parent had left for a long time and left one of our friend’s in charge. This friend happened to be the man they call Losee. Losee’s parent’s one-week sabbatical had been hyped up so much, we had deemed the week “Losee Fest.”

I was about 14 years old at the time of the first Losee Fest, it was probably only the second time I had drank heavily in my life. The whole week consisted of us drinking so much that we ended up acting like a pack of retarded baboons at the end of night.

Losee would get so fucked up that he was in no shape to control the savage behavior that went on in his abode, and would partake or often instigate the madness. The occasion that helped land the Virgin Mary Statuette in the Hall of Fame went like this:

I believe it was something like 3AM. I was downstairs in the Losee house and I had just witnessed my brother keel over and puke his brains out then pass out on the floor right next to it.

Right after this happened, Losee’s dog, Gizmo—or “the Grizza” as Losee called it—sniffed the puke and then bent over and took a shit right on top of it. After this happened someone called Losee downstairs to show him what had just occurred. Losee came stumbling down the stairs, laughing deliriously.

I thought his mood would change once he saw the disgusting pile of human and dog excrement in the corner. But it didn’t phase Losee one bit, and he started laughing deliriously and stumbled into a side table in the corner knocking the Virgin Mary Statuette off of it.

He then picked it up and started rubbing it on his crotch and screamed out….

“SHE AIN’T A VIRGIN NO MO’!!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!”

Thus landing this cherry-popped, no longer full-of-grace lady into the Hall of fame. And now we will move on to this year’s final inductee.

#3 Glover and Gibson

No I’m not talking about the stars of Lethal Weapon…

I am talking about these guys ...

Alright, so you are probably pretty confused, the guys in this picture here are me and fellow Zubazkateer Isaac Cass. One of the most dominant Beer Pong (Fuck you if you call it Beirut) teams ever known. Our record is staggering. We will take on any challengers.

Why the name Glover and Gibson you ask? Well that is a good question. It all started at a random house party when we were up at school in Oneonta. We would try to do many bizarre things to distract our opponents, and somehow our trademark became flapping our arms like wings, like in the movie “Angels in the Outfield.”

It made sense why I was Glover, since Danny Glover was the star of this movie, but it never really made sense why “Gibson” is involved here, he isn’t even in Angels in the Outfield. Cass and I have never figured out why we started calling ourselves that but the name stuck, and so did the arm flapping.

People would get very distracted by our flapping of the arms, or just straight up think that we were a bunch of drunken assholes, but hey what can I say, it worked. Although we have not combined forces in a long time, our record as a team has to be one of the best in Beer Pong history.

GLOVER AND GIBSON FOREVER!!

Well ladies and gents, this concludes our show this evening. I will see you next year. But before I go, my good friend Eddie Winslow would like to stare you down for a little. So if you would kindly stare right back into Eddie’s eyes it would be greatly appreciated.

Questions, comments, want to challenge Glover and Gibson to a game of BP? Email me at itsbyrne@hotmail.com, or contact me on the forum. Thank you come again.