Today, as I was walking out of my class at Westchester Community College, I saw something I haven’t seen since my freshman year of High School at good ol’ Yorktown.
As I came out of my classroom, and walked toward the exit, a strange figure of a man stepped out of a classroom and walked in front of me. I knew I recognized this man from behind, and immediately my brain started scanning its files, trying to think of who this man could be walking in front of me.
And then it hit me and the first name that popped into my head was, “SAPKA!”
But, as quickly as I thought this, I shot it down.
Sapka … no way, it can’t be him, I thought. Last I heard about Sapka he was dead, passed on, survived by his psychotic father and freak of nature mother, who gave birth to his sister Lydia at the ripe age of 58 years old. If the rumors were false about his death, then there was no way such a creature was still inhabiting this earthly world, I’m sure he had been eating marshmallow and mustard sandwiches somewhere on a beach resort in Dimension X for the past six years.
As I followed him further down the corridor toward the exit into the snowy abyss outside, all the tell tale signs that this might indeed be Sapka were coming to fruition. The strange shape of his head, the scraggily mop of hair on top that hasn’t been washed since 1996, and most importantly the completely disoriented walking patterns.
I was about to walk out the door of the building, and I knew I would soon find out whether the man walking in front of me was the man, the myth, the legend, Adrian “Big Brother A” Sapka.
As we walked out the door, we were presented with a fork in the sidewalk. This confused the man walking in front of me, because he stopped and looked like a squirrel about to be run over, quivering and not knowing which direction was best for survival. It was at this time when I knew this man had to be “Big Brother A,” I was 99 percent certain, at that time I took a right at the fork and looked back over my left shoulder to see the face only a mother could love, “Adrian Sapka is alive,” I thought. “I fucking can’t believe it.”
For those of you who are unfamiliar with this man, let me give you a brief SAPKA 101 lesson. Where do I start hmm ….
Well ok, first off this kid has half a brain, if you want to call him a retard that’s fine with me, you wanna say he’s slow… well that works also, but I’d go with a serious case of dementia … he lives on his own planet lets just say.
A real life Napoleon Dynamite, IF YOU WILL.
He also happened to be the former neighbor of Zubaz columnist, Michael John Morano.
Many a time when I was a freshman in High School I would take the bus to Morano’s house on Fridays. Morano lived way at the end of a huge ass street, so it probably took about 10 minutes to walk from the bus stop to Morano’s house. So during these long ass walks we got the pleasure of talking with the enigma known as Adrian Sapka. He spoke of many things upon these travels, everything from video games to getting his dick sucked by his 13-year-old Brazilian neighbor, (Keep in mind Adrian was a 21 year old senior in High School at this time).
Perhaps the greatest thing about Sapka however, is that if you know one thing about Big Brother A, it is probably the knowledge that he has his own rap CD. He actually went into the recording studio and made a record. He told me that it cost him $10,000 to make about 100 copies of his CD. He didn’t seem to care about getting his money back either because he would sell his CD in the YHS cafeteria for a penny. When I purchased my copy, (which I am currently listening to as I write) I gave Adrian a quarter, but he refused to give it to me for anything more than a penny. Here are the track titles to Big Brother A’s album….
1 – Innercity Conformity
2 – Labor Day Picnic
3 – Get Off of Me
4 – Me and My Girl
5 – Untold Energy
6 – Big Brother “A”
7 – Brasiliera#1
8 – Brasiliera#2
The album starts out with him screaming ADRIAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ADRIANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like Rocky would say. Then Sapka spits out the first verse of his lyrical genius:
“Try to observe and fantasize about wretched HillBILLIES, jumping over SILLYS, frogs on the leaves. The Cecil-Chocaveli family from GOMER STREET (A street in Yorktown Heights mind you, I feel we have street credibility now), to the melon beat, mixed with hip hop beats, plus reggae dub, to you it sounds bugs , but beings what it is, and do what you gotta do in this music biz, I grove to be polite, and I would love to excite a crowd tonight. Therefore I do not have to have to prove anything…that’s why I stay on a one track mind for Big Brother A, Big Brother A ALL DAY.”
Then the Chorus comes in with some random black guying saying, “BIG BROTHER A ALL DAY, ALL DAY, BIG BROTHER A ALL DAY!”
I know what you are thinking, pure genius right?
Let’s take a gander at some of the brilliant lyrics on track two, which is called “Labor Day Picnic.”
Now I got the inside scoop on Labor Day Picnic back in the day. Adrian told me Labor Day Picnics are where he meets girls, and Adrian also had a book of his rhymes and poetry. In this book there were at least five different things referring to a Labor Day picnic, so you get the idea that he has a love of this holiday that most do not.
Here are the lyrics:
“Who that creature making it phat… ADRIAN-UH SAPKA, bigger known as Big Brother A. Purpose: Business topping the music industry … Ugh, talent show performance, will assistance bigger known as Big Brother A, for round that’s capable please set up the satellite dish connecting wire cable, and if so please support your local programming! Hey Digo BLOOP! by digo bay!”
Chorus: “Innercity, Innercity Powerful conformity, instead of Yuppie rich society.” (Repeats 3 times)
There are more lyrics after the chorus where he says something about a labor day picnic in there, but most of the lyrics are incoherent to me, even after I tried listening to them over and over.
Adrian had a big problem with yuppies for some reason. I remember one day when he got up to get lunch in the High School cafeteria he had left a note book on his table that had a “Things to do” list on it. Most of the things were pretty normal on it, things like talk to teacher about homework, hand in this or that, etc, etc. But at the bottom was, “STOP THE INFILTRATION OF THE YUPPIES,” scrawled in a huge font.
Before I get off topic, I must state that Adrian Lip Synced to his own rap song at the YHS Lip Sync, but instead of lip-synching it like a normal person would, he sung a different song over the song that was playing in the background.
But there was a lot more to Adrian besides his rap career. One day in the middle of the YHS Cafeteria, Mu, dressed as Owen Hart (caution tape and all) got Sapka in the sharpshooter and wouldn’t let go as the entire cafeteria looked on.
Another classic cafeteria incident was when Sapka came up to our table and we dared him to play Duck Duck Goose, by playing his boom box in people’s ears and going around the cafeteria. As we all laughed our asses off at this spectacle, others didn’t take it so well, and finally one of the resident Meatheads of the cafeteria got up and slammed Sapka against the wall, and his boom box fell to the floor and smashed. A classic cafeteria spectacle if I ever did see one.
I will end this article with reconciliation to God himself. Please God, if you are out there, forgive Losee, Jim, Rude, Mu and I, for we have sinned. Forgive us of our actions on that one fateful day, when we egged the shit out of Adrian while he was riding his bike in broad daylight. Please do not send us to the place where Ian Valentine is going, because I am sure that the sector for people who commit crimes against the mentally ill is even hotter than regular Hell.
I will even spread the word of Sapka himself by sending people his CD upon request, we were young and stupid Lord, and we are sorry, at least I am, I don’t know about that Losee guy he’s still one sick fuck.
Questions? Comments? Would you like me to send you a copy of Big Brother A’s album? Email me at Itsbyrne@hotmail.com, or contact my ass on the forum.
