I apologize for the six-month sabbatical that I have been on, and I can assure you that it has all led up to this column.
In the time between January and now, I have been endlessly pondering and mulling over the topic I am about venture into. It’s something that has been haunting me in my bed at night, forcing me awake at random junctures of sound sleep.
Well, let’s get down to it.
Danny Tanner: Gay.
Joey Gladstone: Queer.
“Uncle” Jesse Katsopolis: Pederast.
Before I get into this, I want to emphasize that I have no problem with homosexuals or whatever. I voted for Kerry because people should be able to love whoever they want to love. But, let’s face it, the hit 1990’s television show “Full House” was nothing more than a propaganda vehicle for Gay America to gain acceptance into the mainstream culture.
As the story goes, Danny Tanner’s “wife” was “killed” in a “drunk-driving accident” prior to the beginning of the show. But we never get any of the details about this as the show progressed. It was almost an afterthought and in my opinion, I believe that Tanner strangled this wife in her sleep and dumped her body in the pond outside of some seedy local retirement home. Let’s face it, those old bags at the retirement home would never notice the smell. In fact, they would probably just think it’s the mothballs that they live amongst.
Tanner’s next move, which should come as a surprise to no one, was to move to San Francisco with his remaining family (all females), his clearly homo boyfriend/best friend Joey Gaystone and his supposed “Brother-in-law” Jesse Katsopolis.
Clearly, Gladstone and Tanner are having asshole adventures at every chance they get. Hell, maybe they even bring in that creepy “Woody the Woodchuck” character in to spice up the night. I don’t know. While those two are gay together, and I have no problem with this, Katsopolis has been brought along to have free reign when it comes to molesting Tanner’s three daughters, DJ, Stephanie and Michelle.
“Have Mercy,” you say?
I know, it all sounds ridiculous, but trust me. I have spent many waking nights thinking this over, and I think my theory is foolproof. You’re probably asking yourself, “well what about Vicki and Rebecca Donaldson?” I think it is obvious that Vicki is a cover-up. Look at the girl. If you were Danny Tanner and hosted a morning TV show, don’t you think you could do better than that old hag? But of course Danny doesn’t want to do better, he just wants to cover up his sordid affair with the painfully unfunny Joey Gladstone.
Oh, and in case you are wondering, Gladstone is definitely the pitcher of the relationship. He is one of those sloppy gay guys that fly under the radar. The kind of guy that would pretend to be straight so he could get on “Queer Eye” and then bang the crap out of that fairy Carson.
But let’s get back on track.
Like I said before, I have no problem with Danny and Joey’s relationship. They’re gay, they’re proud and they love life in the rainbow-friendly San Francisco.
It’s that sick fuck Jesse that really bothers me. This guy, appropriately nicknamed “Vulture,” was not satisfied with just molesting the three Tanner girls. He wanted little boys with melon haircuts, and he wanted to molest them.
Enter Donaldson, engage impregnation, and voila!
Twins.
I get sick just thinking about what this pervert must have done to those poor little kids. He sure lived up to the “Vulture” moniker, feasting on the carcasses of the innocent, and devouring any little weenie he could get his hands on.
And then this goes back to Tanner and Gladstone. They must have known what was going on, so they too must be condemned.
God dammit, if I had my way, the whole “Full House” would have burned to the ground leaving nothing but the proverbial skeletons in the closet.
If you are gay and this offends you, I apologize. But this just had to be said.
So next time you are watching that happy family on “Full House,” just remember what I said and take a closer look when Joey plays with that satanic woodchuck.
Yep, you guessed it, he has a massive erection in those scenes.
Oh yeah and if you were wondering about Kimmy Gimbler … no, she isn’t a bull dyke, but yes, she committed bestiality with Comet the dog on nine occasions. But, that’s a whole other story.
Questions or comments? Leave feedback on the forums.
