HEYYYYYYYY, How you guys doin eh? Long time no fuckin’ see, ya know?

Last time you pieces of shit heard from me I was in fuckin’ jail, and not one of you even bothered or thought about bailin’ my ass out. I had to call up my fuckin’ second cousin Antonio who’s connected to get the fuckin’ money, ya know what I’m sayin’?

Alright, alright, lets get down to this shit, I don’t got all fuckin’ day, I gots me another little story to tell you fuckin’ clowns.

So I’m at my little cousin Bianca’s sweet sixteen.

You know them dumb fuckin’ 16th birthday parties for some ungrateful little bitch who is showered with tons of fuckin’ gifts and money and shit. The girl fuckin’ gives a candle out to 16 “special” people, then fuckin’ dances with Daddy, you know what the fuck I’m talkin’ bout right?

To me a sweet sixteen is like saying congratulations you’re almost old enough to get a dick stuck in your ripe fuckin’ pussy, if some fuckin’ Ginzo hasn’t slammed his salami in your twat already which is probably the case because all these fuckin’ young girls these days are sluts anyways, ya know what I mean?

Go have your last dance with your daughter Daddy, SHES ABOUT TO BE BENT OVER AND FUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, alright I’m sorry and I’m losing my focus, so back to the story. So I’m doin’ the only fuckin’ entertaining thing to do at these fuckin’ events, im fuckin’ sittin’ at the bar gettin’ drunk as fuck, what else do you do when there’s an open bar, eh?

The whole time I’m watching my fuckin’ Uncle Tony getting fuckin’ wrecked at the other end of the bar. As soon as I make eye contact with him I know I’m in fuckin’ trouble because he gets up and I know he’s about to come over and chew my fuckin’ ear off with his drunk ramblings.

So I get up to try to avoid him and pretend like I’m getting’ something to eat. But he fuckin’ follows me. Just when I thought I might have gotten away I feel him grab my arm.

He says, “What the fuck, you fuckin’ tryin’ to avoid your fuckin’ Uncle Tony eh?..., You gonna pretend like you don’t even fuckin’ know me or some shit?”

So I’m like, “Nah Uncle Tony I’m just fuckin’ hungry and that penne a la vodka looks fuckin’ delicious.”

So then he’s like, “What the fuck are you doin’ worryin’ about some fuckin’ pasta with all these fuckin’ fine broads dancin’ around waiting for some ginzo to dance with them, so they can suck their fuckin’ cock later on tonigh,t” as he points to all the young girls dancin’ real sexual like on the dance floor.

So then I’m like, “C’mon Uncle Tony, these girls are fuckin’ jailbait, I’m not tryin’ to go back to jail again, you heard that story about me and that prick in that restaurant right?”

So then he’s like, “Yeah I heard that shit, so what, if I was your age I’d be all over that shit, look at the way they are dancin’, they are just beggin’ for some fuckin’ cock.”

Right after he said that shit he fuckin’ stumbled backwards and banged into the DJ’s equipment. Little did he realize he fuckin’ turned on the microphone which was on full blast then continued his fuckin’ rant.

So the fuckin’ whole entire party could hear the all the shit he is saying, then he says “MANNNNN!!!! Can you imagine how SWEET that PUSSY must TASTE!!!, c’mon man I know you are the type of guy who just stands there expecting some fuckin’ broad to come up to you, get down on her fuckin’ knees, pull out your pecker and just start suckin’ on it!!!! You gotta, you gotta fuckin’ start dancin’ with these broads man, they are fuckin’ askin’ for your cock!!!!”

I try to get him to stop I’m sayin’ “UNCLE TONY!!! UNCLE TONY!!!” but the fucker ain’t payin’ attention to me and keeps on yappin’.

Then he’s like, “Here’s the plan alright, you fuckin’ go out there start grindin’ up on one of these broads for awhile, do what it takes to get her to start cravin’ your dick, you know fuckin’ grind your fuckin’ erection into her ass or however you fuckin’ kids do it these days.”

I try to interrupt again and I’m like “HEY!!!! HEY!!!!! SHUTUP!!!!”

So then he still doesn’t realize whats happening and is like, “Oh what you got a fuckin’ better plan, fuckin’ listen to your Uncle Tony for once in ya fuckin’ life, ok this is what you do. Ask her to come with you into one of these side rooms here, get her fuckin’ panties off, start fuckin’ her from behind then in a little while, your fuckin’ Uncle Tony walks in stark fuckin’ naked with nothin’ but his fuckin’ Ray Bans on, you’re fuckin’ her from behind, shes suckin’ my fuckin’ cock, were fuckin’ slappin’ high fives and shit it’ll be fuckin’ fantastic!!!”

Again I try to get him to shut the fuck up but it still doesn’t work and he proceeds to dig himself a deeper hole, so then he’s like, “You gotta, you gotta fuckin’ get as much of that sweet fuckin’ young fresh pussy while you’re still young bro!!! … Fuckin’ look at me, married for fuckin’ 20 years man. When I fuck my wife now it’s like stickin’ my dick into a fuckin’ sewer hole or somethin’, that shit just ain’t the same after a few fuckin’ kids pop out, and you know your marriage has gotten stale when you fuckin’ kiss your wife good night and you fuckin’ can taste your own fuckin’ smelly cock on her breath.”

Right after he got those words out, his wife, my Aunt Gina gets up and throws her wedding ring at him, and storms out of the party.

He’s standing there still not knowing what the fuck is going on. I turn around for the first time and look around the room and there’s fuckin’ old ladies cryin’ and shit, Mothers with their hands over their kids ears, all the girls on the dance floor stopped dancin’ and were staring at Uncle Tony with their jaws dropped. Fuckin’ all the teenage dudes are laughin’ their fuckin’ asses off, and the fathers all start coming up to us looking to beat Uncle Tony’s ass.

As the mob of angry fathers approaches, fuckin’ Uncle Tony reaches in his pants and whips out a fuckin’ 9 millimeter and starts yellin’ “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOIN ON HERE???” But the guy is so fuckin’ drunk he drops the gun and the fuckin’ thing goes off and shoots him right in the shin.

So he’s on the ground screamin’ “AHHHHH CALL THE FUCKIN’ AMBULANCE!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” while all the angry fathers are still wonderin’ if they should still kick the shit out of him.

So I think it’s safe to say that Uncle Tony’s life has been in a fuckin’ downward spiral since the sweet sixteen. He’s still fuckin’ nursing his wounds in hospital, his wife is filing for divorce, the whole family refuses to speak with him or visit him at the hospital. So uh, basically the guy’s life is fucked ya know?

Alright so uh, that about wraps up my fuckin’ tale. See you next time you fuckin’ scumbags. I’M OUT!!!!!

Questions or comments? E-mail Joey at zubazfiles@yahoo.com