An welcome back tah “Advice fer tha Loverlern wit yer ol’ boy Dominick Lovergene.”

As ah promised lass week, wur gon be takin’ some calls from folks out there tuhday … should be a lotta fun. An jus remembah, if any o’ yous out there wants to make ah call to yer ol’ boy Dominick heah, just ring me up at zubazfiles@yahoo.com … dem produsahs of mah show dun taught me how tah say that there in tha propah fashun. Las week I incorrectlah thunk that that was some type o’ spaceman talk or somethin’ like that.

Which brings mah to mah thought o’ tha week. We done live in a days an age where thins of tha … err … teklogical? Is that right? Wells anyways, mah point is this here. Wit all these wil’ contraptions and goofah thingamajiggahs out there, we be livin’ in one heckuva dangeruss world. I means, itsah only ah matta o’ time before dese cumpers take ova and send them there moonbeams up to tha spacemen on Jupitah and Planet X. I be watchin’ da tellyvision tha otha mornin’ while eatin’ a bowls of dem there Rice Krispahs … boy do ah love dem snap, cracklin’, poppin’ boys … an I was ah watchin’ a show ‘bout aliens an’ moonbeams an’ otha stuff like that. An’ then they be talkin’ alls about robuts and cumpers takin’ ovah tha world. Yer ol’ boy Dominick done near shat his pantaloons.

“My gosh,” I was thinkin’ at tha time. “What if we all become slaves to tha cumpers and spacemen?” Thas a scary thought if ya ask me. I dun wanna cumpers and extratestials playin’ wit ma bunghole or ballssacks an’ doin’ speriments wit mah eyeballs.

Jeez louise!

But, ah bees getting’ dirtah looks from dem Zubaz ranch hands rights now, so I best be gittin’ to them callahs and givin’ out mah nuggets o’ love wisdom.

Alls a right, ladies n’ germs … hehehe, I done always like that there joke … ours first ah callah is Mike from Buffalo, NY … Mike, whatcha got ter ask yer ol’ boy Dom here?

Hey Dominick, big fan of your show … my question is this … Me and my girlfriend have been going out for one year now. It’s been great, but our sex life has sort of lost a little steam. I have been pushing for anal, but she won’t hear it. What can I do to try and slip my little guy in the back door?

Dat righ thur is one heckuva question. Damn man. You see, yer ol’ boy Dominick has been what some folks like tah call an “Ass man” fer nearly all his life. Back ins tha day, me an tha other boys from town would drink some moonshine, get all sorts of drunks and thens bust out our girl Veronica. Me an mah buddies ages done ranged from bout twelve tah sevuhntenn at tha time, an Veronica was about 15, maybe 16. Now, ya see, Veronica really liked tha buttsex, so we’d pass her aroun’ and get our jimmies in dere ones by one. And wooooooie, would that there pig be a squealin’ when yur ol’ boy Dominick’s turn did come up. Thanks to mah big ol’ wanka, o’ course. Ya see, Ronnie was my buddy Timmy’s hog, and figurin’ theres wasn’t much females ‘round our part o’ tha woods growin’ up, that piece o’ bacon was tha best thing we’s had goin’.

But, ya know, nature done takes its course one day, and Ronnie jus keeled ova and died. Boy, did we have lots o’ memories o’ that pig and her buttocks. It was a ver sad day in our part o’ tha woods. This was about tha time I decided ta hit tha road condsiderin’ theres wasn’t much womans around.’ An’ when ah done got ma first lay, ah told that lady ah wanted to turn her ova and play in tha mud like ah done wit ma ol’ girl, Ronnie. She obiliged, and that was that. Every girls ah been wit since ah done both in her womans tubes and butt tube. Likes ah said before, I’m an ass man, tried and uh true.

But uhhh, eee-nuff ‘bout me, ah believes ah ain’t done answer yer question yet. This is what ah would do in yer sitchyouation.

You tells that galpal o’ yers that its abouts time for a lil’ anal action in yer sex lahfe. If she says all right, then you flip that bitch ova and start workin’ dat ass likes there ain’t no tomorrow.

If she says no, clock that bitch in tha nose and flip her and start workin’ dat ass likes there ain’t no tomorrow. Then flip her back ova, give her what mah friend Georgie calls uh “Dirtay Sandchez” and leaves her a note sayin’ weez a through girlie.

Hopes I done helped ya out theres Michaelangelio.

Let’s uh go ta tha next callah. Timmah frum Florida, whatcha got ta ask yer ol’ boy Dom?

What’s up Dom, just wanted to say … I THINK YOU ARE THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT HICK I’VE EVER LAYED EYES ON! HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET YOUR OWN CALL-IN SHOW? HUH? YOU FUCKING RETARD, I HOPE YOUR HEAD FUCKING FALLS INTO A PILE OF SHIT AND MAGGOTS EAT THE REST OF YOUR BODY!

Whoas now there! Who tha fuck do y’all think ya are cussin’ at yer ol’ boy Dominick like that? I be lible to comes ova teher rights a now an’ kick yo ass like sassafrass. Holy shit, weez a needa be knowin’ whos-a callin’ before we go lettin’ some psychopathitcals on this here phone now. Timmah done say some really means a stuff there. Yer ol’ boy Dom kinda feels like lettin’ out a tear o’ two.

Maybes I jus ain’t cut out fer this kind o’ work, people be cussin’ at me like that. What ah do ta derserve sumtin like that?

Maggots ain’t good mang, Ah’ll tell yas that. They ain’ts good at all.

Nows Ah’m feelins a lil ah downstrodden. Let’s take owr final call fer tha day.

Mare-uh in Minnysoda, whatcha got ter ask yer good ol’ boy Dominick?

Oh my god Dommy, I heard that last caller and I just had to call in to give you some loving. I listen to your show all the time and you sound like the sweetest man. Your picture really turns me on too. How would a girl like me be able to get a man like you?

Heheheh … aw, Maruh, you done jus mades ma day a wholes lot brighta. Now, as fer yer question. Thas easuh Mare-uh, all yas gotta do is hop on a flight ova to tha Zubaz ranch downs here in Arkansas, and then heads on ova to mah “Fantersy Eye-land” rights in mah room heah at tha ranch. It’d be mah pleasure ta do a girl like yerself.

Ya see, lotser peoples problems in dis hur world is dat they don see the beauty in alls types o’ peoples. I’d uh tap any ass dat came alongs, eyes ain’t prejahdus, I loves all dem womens. Fat ones, skinny ones, pretty ones, ugly ones, ones wit no arms or legs, dead ones, frozen ones, ones with penisusses, ones with no nipples, black ones, ones that peoples might call animals or beasts. Hell, if ya gots a hole mare-uh, I’m gon put my weiner in its! So come on down and show yer ol’ boy Dominick some love.

All rights folks, luckily enough, weez ah got time for one more callah. Steve from Buffalo, what can yer ol’ boy Dominick do fer yer?

Hey Dom. Why can’t I gets any women when I go out to the bar?

Well, whats do yer look like Stevey boy?

I’m about 5-foot, 10-inches tall, 180 pounds, kind of athletic.

No, no, no, Stevey, I be talkin’ bout yo piece … is it big, small, fuzzah, nekkid?

Oh hahah, I didn’t know what you meant. I’d say it’s about eight inches long … fuzzy, I guess.

Wells my oh my, Stevey boy! With a hammer that big, Yas gotta be pullin’ that babuh outs in public … I can guaran-damn-tee ya dems ladies ill be all ova ya in no tahme at all! Ya see, yer good ol’ boy Dominick only gots a piece six inches long, you knows, which is ‘bout average fer a white man, bigga then a chinaman’s and smaller than a negro’s … but ah still whip that baby out whenevers ah gets tha chance! I tell ya, dem ladies love it when ya pull out cho piece in public places!

So, dis is whatcha do nex’ time yer at tha bar wit some o’ yer buddies. Whens the lady that you likes comes by, slip that trowsahsnake through yo fly and tells her you gots a friend fer her to meet. Tells her she jus’ may likes him a lots! When she looks ah down, she won’ts be able ta resists that there creature.

I don’t know Dom, can’t I get arrested for something like that?

Shit son! She ain’ts gon be pressin’ charges whens she gots a big ol’ dick like yours in her mouth! An’ besides, even if sha screams, calls the po-lice, and gets yer arrested and put in the can, I can bets ya good moneys that cha’ll stills be getting’ some er dat action that night!

All right Dom, thanks … I’ll give it a try since you said so, thanks, you’re the best!

Yous are veruh welcomes Stevey boy.

Ah, ya see? Nows I feels good ‘bout mahself. I done helped a lots er people wit dere problems tonight. That makes mah feel damn good!

Well, that’s about does it fer this installation of “Advice fer the Lovelorn wit’ Dominick Lovergene,” soes remembers, if any o’ youse out there gots any questions for yer ol’ boy Dom, call me up and we’ll talks abouts it.

Goodnights everyones, do a dirtay sandchez for ma honors tonights!

If you have any questions for Dominick and would like to correspond with Dominick via e-mail, send your question to Zubazfiles@yahoo.com and yer ol’ boy Dom will reply shortly to correspond.