Last year we did a Fact or Fiction: Thanksgiving Edition that was well received, so we figured we’d exhume the feature permanently, and what better way to kick it off than with the Halloween Edition. Ok … an American Gladiators version might be cooler, but this is at least the second best … Gladiators, Readyyyyyyyyy!

Best Holiday: Halloween

Jim F. Byrne: Fact! Nothing beats this time of year and no matter what religion you are, it is cool to celebrate. Well, except for those whacked out hyper Christians … but who needs them anyway? When you first discovered Halloween as a little tyke, it was one of the most insane things ever. People dressing up like monsters and going around getting free candy. FUCKING AWESOME, right? I still remember my first Halloween when I went across the street to my neighbor’s house and he greeted me at the door normally and then went into vampire mode with those cheap, fake vampire teeth. Needless to say, he scared the goddamn shit out of me. I think I was crying for four months and 13 days after that debacle. But it was all in good fun and it built character.

As the years progressed and you grew out of the whole trick-or-treating with mom and dad thing—which was at about 17 for me, the year I dressed up as a T-Rex—you turned to shaving cream and eggs. If you didn’t have good times with that, then your veins must be flowing with Cobra Snake venom. There is nothing like good old-fashioned vandalism in your late teen years. College probably saw the best Halloweens. For more on that, check out the feature currently up on the site, “ZubazPants.com’s Guide to Halloween.” That can be described in one phrase: Hot tits on display. God Bless America.

I was a one cool dude in 1999

In the future when I am house owner and have kids, I am definitely going to pull a Calvin’s Dad from Calvin and Hobbes. For the uninitiated, I will be waiting in the bushes with a garden hose so I can spray down any potential delinquents looking to egg my house.

Yeah, I don’t see Halloween ever getting old.

Mu-rano: Fact. I can think of nothing better then getting wasted and having girls grab your crotch for fun thanks to your hollerific costume. Christmas is definitely a close second though. I’m sorry to all the Jewish Zubaz lovers out there lighting up their menorahs, but Christmas makes you feel like no other. It’s all about one word, mistletoe. There must be some magic in those plants. I saw some old woman kiss Uncle Jesse Katsopolis on the television in some airport under mistletoe. I don’t think the lead singer of the Rippers would be kissing a grand-ma-ma unless there was some magic involved.

Best Halloween Song: Michael Jackson’s Thriller

Mu: Well Jim, “Thriller” is definitely up there in terms of classic songs to listen to while getting fucked up on Halloween. But I’m going to have to say FICTION here, Papageorgio. During my tenure at the SUNY College of Oneonta, I got fucked up! Like, real fucked up! During Halloween, I got fucked up even more and in costume nonetheless. We used to throw parties all the time at our house off campus. It was always classic to say the least; people really loved that shanty of ours on Columbia Street. The music was always a major factor at our parties as well; we would all make mixes of the wackiest songs to get the drunkards going wild. Halloween of course only magnified this tenfold.

I think the thing people loved most about our house was the music selection, and how it was always so fucked up to listen to while you were getting wasted. There was really nothing we wouldn’t play, except crap of course. There would be dancing on tables to the jungle beats, and oh yes, beer pong would be played. Strobe lights and decorations were greeting every new partygoer while everything felt like a figment of the imagination. On top of all the shit “Are you Afraid of the Dark” wished they came up with to do on their show, the stereo would always be BOOMING the classic grooves that only seemed second nature. The songs fucking brought people hand in hand with strangers they never even met before. Hell, we even played the theme to “Are you Afraid of the Dark.”

“Werewolves of London,” by Warren Zevon, pounded the weak walls of the shitty house, while people danced, got down and downright boogied, stripped, and even howled as the people partying were feeling as if they were communicating with Zevon himself. Bobby Brown’s “On Our Own” from Ghostbusters II further pushed the crowd into a Halloween state of mind depicting ghosts in paintings named Vigo. Was this really happening? We all thought that to ourselves as we learned Vigo was, and I quote, the “Master of Evil!” Sticking with Ghostbusters, the Ray Parker Jr. version of the theme song is one of the best damn songs of all time. You want to have a good time, grab a 12-pack and a Ray Parker Jr. impersonator, and you’ll see something strange in the neighborhood. David Bowie’s “Dance Magic Dance” garnered some “HEY! HEY! HEY!” chants from the raucous crowd while more alcohol was slurped up. Those are just three that I think are better and more fun to listen to while you’re wasted than “Thriller.” Sorry I went off on such a tangent there Jimmy Boy. Being able to visit the old stomping grounds this weekend gave me a little trip to flashback city. JIM DO YOU LIKE REGULAR HALLOWEEN MUSIC?

Jim: Hi-yoooooo … that was quite the soliloquy there Mu. How do I even follow it up? I know …

One word: Fiction.

Two words: “Monster Mash.”

If this was a Television show and not a page of a website on the INTERNET, I would go into song and dance for you, but a las, it is not and I shall not. But goddamn do I want to sing “The Monster Mash” right now. Why? Well, duh, it’s a “graveyard smash.”

Aside from the “Monster Mash” though, there are tons of great tunes to listen to on Halloween, with pretty much all of them being excellent. You named quite a few of my favorites, most notably Ray Parker Jr.’s Ghostbusters theme song. Correct me if I am wrong, but is there ANY lyric better than “Bustin’ makes me feel good!” Oh, I think not. Nothing tops that lyrical genius, which is made even more excellent by the song really jamming out right after those words are spoken. But, hey … I don’t mean to neglect “Thriller” here either. It’s a fucking classic, made only better if you have the music video to play in the background as well. I guarantee you that I will bust out the “Thriller” dance this Halloween. You know the one: hands in front of you in limp—but hardened—position, shift to the left put hands and head up, shift to the right, put hands and head up. I love that shit.

Half of them aren’t doing it well, but you get the point

And finally, yes, the theme song to “Are you Afraid of the Dark” was—and still is—the cat’s pajamas. If only we could get Sardo (“That's Sardo! No, mister, accent on the DO”) to show up at the party this weekend.

From the where is this perve now files … Sardo

Candy Corn: Only Good at Halloween?

Jimbo: Fact. When else do you eat these funky little shits? I think they are great on Halloween, but I think it is the seasonal mood that gets me into them. Who goes into a store on April 3rd and thinks, “Hmmm … I think I’ll get myself a bag of candy corn!” It’s like buying those condoms with the classic 80s chicks on them from the gas station when you plan on watching your old VHS tapes of “Jem” for an evening. Well, on second thought that could make sense too …

Time for a package re-design … does anyone buy these? Or the ones with the girl wearing just a jean jacket on it?

On another note, there is one thing that has also baffled me about candy corn. How come you don’t see them in your shit in the toilet like with normal corn? That would be kind of cool and would spruce up the toilet, in my humble opinion at least. That trifecta of color in orange, yellow and white has always put a smile on my face. Anyone else eat a color at a time to see if they taste different? Here’s a tip: they don’t.

Riddle me this, riddle me that … what exactly is this shat?

Mu: Son, when I go to the library I go for the FICTION section. Not only are they terrible when it isn’t Halloween, but they are terrible ON Halloween as well. Who made these little pieces of shit? Someone even had the audacity to add some brown shit to the bottom of them in recent history; I cannot begin to tell you how big of a mistake that was. It does make me think however why road cones aren’t colored like these. It would make it a little festive for our hard-working construction workers.

Jim: You are a dirty, pinko commie, but I do enjoy your road cone idea.

Best age for Halloween: College

Mu: Fact. Granted when you’re a tyke and rubbing your buns in a sandbox with your girl neighbor, you’re having a good time too. Buns in sand, the Rocky Mountains of candy, and dressing up as your heroes really grabbed my attention when I was little. Mu was all over it. The teenage years got a little crazier. We would egg, pour Worcester sauce on things, piss on things, smash garbage cans and mailboxes, lawn shop, well you get the idea. College is like the Super Bowl of Halloween in terms of age though. Slutty girl costumes put a smile on my face like that Vitamin C song from a while back, especially when I’m d-runk.

You can eat me if you have a cold. ; )

Jimmy: I’m going to ignore the “bum in the sandbox” comment because that is now the second time you have made reference to that on this website, and I am still perplexed. That kind of bizarro-world shit is why our 12th grade Physics teacher thought you were from a distant planet where ammonia flows through the rivers rather than water. Frankly, I am starting to believe it, too. Although I do have to say, pissing on things was always a great time, and still is. Pissing in general is a very underrated thing. Nothing like a good piss.

But, I digress.

Anyways, for the sake of argument, I am going to have to say FICTION. While college did indeed have amazing times on Halloween—possibly the best ever—I’m going to have to roll with single digit-age childhood. I’m going to bet that most people will say college because it is what they remember the most. But goddamn man, I remember the build up and anticipation for Halloween back in the day as an event in itself. The choice of costume, the decorations, the promise of more candy than you can ever imagine … chalk one up for early childhood, because those were the days

With that said, it’s pretty hard to argue with Paul Feuer’s blowjob in a nun costume story circa 2002.

Worst Halloween Costume: “Yourself”

Jim: Although terrible and unimaginative, I’m going to have to say FICTION. The worst Halloween costume—by far—is the Scream costume. Sure, this may have been the hip thing to do in 1998, but as soon as you went out and saw that roughly 50 percent of the populations was wearing this, you knew it was game over. Worst of all, the reinvention of the Scream costume came along in 2000 when Scary Movie came out. Then we had countless more morons wearing the stoned Scream costume … ugh. Please, let’s have a giant bonfire and burn all of these things. We will be better off as a society … trust me.

No mas, no mas!

Mike: Fi-act Jim Byrne. I admit, and I'm sure most of you readers of our glorious site will admit, that we were "ourselves" at one point in our life on Halloween. It's an ugly fact that I don't like to live with, but I'm sure I had a good explanation for it. Most likely the fact that I was a lazy bum one year and didn't have any ambition to make up a costume, but that feeling has come and gone a long time ago. Actually I might have to change to fiction because I just thought of a time when a gentleman, we will call "TWON," went to high school dressed up as a girl. I know your thinking, not a big deal; a lot of guys try to be girls for Halloween. People, this is NOT a good idea, unless you really go ALL OUT. Let me tell you, this guy Twon did NOT go all out at all. He wore his own clothes, but stuffed a bra and made it look like he had breasts. He did not have a wig on, and he just put lipstick and some other make up on so he looked like the god damned ugliest thing I have ever seen. So guys, PLEASE think twice when deciding to do this, because 9 times out of 10 it is going to wind up horribly. More horrible than the movie Fat Albert.

Yikes

Best Halloween Movie: Gremlins 2

Jim: Although ZubazPants.com has given this movie much props in our existence, I’m going to have to say FICTION. Gremlins 2 just doesn’t have that Halloween feel to it. You can watch it any time and get the same feeling from it. At this point in my life I really don’t get scared by movies—except by the fact that people would pay to see things like The Man--but I still want to see a flick that would at least scare my girlfriend. And Gremlins 2 sure as hell ain’t getting the job done there. I would dump the girl if she thought the Salad Gremlin was scary. So, what kind of movie is the best Halloween movie? Look no further than the perfectly titled Halloween. It’s a classic they always play on the holiday, usually followed by it’s inferior sequels, and is a film that will always get you in the mood for the festivities. Other good choices would be the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Return of the Living Dead, The Shining (one of my favorite movies ever … you can watch this one whenever … it’s always classic) or either a Freddy or Jason flick.

The best Halloween flick there is …

Mu: I agree with you chief, that fiction will be the case in this themed question. Gremlins 2 is definitely quality, but too much has already been said—on this site especially—about it. It’s time we gave the lesser-known masterpieces some credit. That’s right; I’m talking about Jack Frost 2, Uncle Sam, and perhaps even Soultaker. In Soultaker, we learn that Led Zeppelin was wrong, and that there is no stairway to heaven…by a guy drinking in what appears to be a judge’s robe drinking an entire bottle of Jack Daniels. For more fun, check out the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 review of it on DVD.

If you can, find this stinker on e-bay

Best Costume: Naughty/Slutty/Dirty/Cum Dumpster version of (fill in workforce member)

Mu: Fiction. Don’t get me wrong, I love it when it’s considered “OK” for girls to all of a sudden become a slutty version of whatever normal costume they can think of. French Maids, naughty nurses, and devilish devils are in the majority on this night. While I do love those promiscuous outfits they wear, I have seen some Halloween costumes that baffle the imagination. One year I came across a gentleman dressed as Skeeter Valentine from the cartoon series “Doug.” I was however a little disappointed Patty Mayonnaise was nowhere to be found. Another time while walking down the street of bar-filled maidens, there was a Larry Appleton sighting. Someone had taken the liberty of dressing up like their favorite character from “Perfect Strangers,” and damn it was amazing. We took a couple of shots in thought of Balki, who went back to Mypos.

Jim: You know, I love tits and ass as much as the next guy, but I am going to stick to my guns and say Fiction as well. Hell, we all become entranced by the unleashed bouncing boobalas on Halloween, but I’m a man that likes creativity, and most of the time these girls just ain’t creative one bit. It’s pathetic really. If a girl would actually use her brain to come up with a clever and funny costume, she could be made that much more attractive. I’d be a lot more liable to go after the girl that is dressed as Mo from Guts (complete with British accent) because she made me laugh. Girls, don’t be one of these dime-a-dozen slutballs, be funny and maybe you will bring home more than Joe College of XYZ Fraternity. You know, like me!

“Let’s go to Mo … MO!”

Ehhh, who am I kidding. Whore it up. God Bless you all, God Bless Halloween and God Bless America.

Best Decoration: Jack O’ Lanterns

JF … B?: As much as I love the creative possibilities that go into these, it is too much work and they make your hands smell funny. Personally, I enjoy the cardboard things that you tape up. Nothing like a good paper skull on your front door. These have always been my favorite, and they are dirt-cheap. Maybe if I was a better artist I would enjoy the Jack O’ Lantern more. The first thing I would whip up is the “Frank the Rabbit” pumpkin that Donnie carves in Donnie Darko. Well, either that or a portrait of Sinbad. I love that guy. I had a dream the other night that he came to my high school graduation party and won the cannonball contest … good times, good times.

This is just plain awesome

Mu: You know what else makes your hand smell funny Jim…well sometimes…it’s the vagina! Yup, bet you didn’t know that one. Aside from the poon puns, I’m pretty partial to the fake spider webs you throw around all over the place. Strobe lights make you feel like you’re moving in slow motion, and I kinda like that. Most underrated decorations have got to be kazoos and streamers.

The Scariest shit YOU could ever see: A Ghost

Mu: I will have to slide over to the factual side of the spectrum this time. As a former resident during college, I do believe that 24 Columbia St in Oneonta was indeed haunted. It was as if people were making movements at times when no one had even breathed. And I think whoever is still residing in that house in the supernatural form once left a jar of mayonnaise inside one of the walls when they were human. We found that jar one day and it’s expiration date read: 1994. A ten-year old jar of mayo just randomly placed inside a wall fucking grossed out all of the Zubazkateers that were present at the time. Perhaps the ghost was contained in this jar, because it definitely looked like something had died in there. IT WAS SCARY, I WANTED TO THROW THE MAYONAIISE AWAY.

Jim: Although a ten-year old jar of mayo would scare the crap out of me too, I’m going to have to say FICTION to the whole ghost thing. I want to see a ghost. I am dying to see a ghost. When we visited Zubazkateer Doug Enemy’s haunted summer house out in the Hamptons on Long Island this past summer, I was severely disheartened that I did not see the Indian apparition in the most haunted room that I slept in one night. I’m still pissed. Like Mulder’s famous poster said, “I Want To Believe.” I had that poster too.

I do, I really do

If there is one thing I never want to see—face-to-face at least—it would be an alien. That shit is out of this world, and I for one do not want an anal probe any time. Dammit, I’m already dreading the prostate cancer exams you have to get in your 40s, so why the hell would I want to come into contact with these fuckers? With that said, I would love to see a UFO from a distance, but if that shit got within 100 feet of me we’d be talking about a personal “mass exodus.”

Best MCBOO pail: The Green One

Don’t even think about McBoo pail porn.

Mu: Fic-shun. What the fuck was the green one supposed to even be? Oscar the Grouch? Some kind of Slimer wanna-be? Whatever it was I didn’t want any part of it. Mu was an orange pumpkin McBoo pail kind of child. I can’t tell you how much candy I tricked and treated into the top of that happy son of a bitch’s head. He loved it though, he told me right before I poked a hole into it’s mouth and…shared some candy with him!

Jim: A) The green one is a WITCH, and B) the pumpkin is most certainly not the best one, cochese. The ghost pail is far superior in every way, and it’s a ghost for crying out loud (as my Grandpa would say). Nevertheless, I owned all three of these fuckers. Nothing like a holiday to tie-in to sucker Jim Byrne into another Happy Meal.

Well, that's all folks, hope you enjoyed this little piece of work. Have a happy Halloween and watch out for those razor blades ... and killer cacti.

Questions or comments? Send your e-mails to Zubazfiles@yahoo.com