Heeeeeeeey kids! It is your old bean Falcor back in action on ZubazPants.com. I’ve been away backpacking in Europe for the past few months and I know what your saying, “Falcor you could just FLY you fucking idiot.” Yeah kiddies, I thought of that but it wouldn’t have been the same, and the local Euro people would most certainly have frowned upon wild actions like soaring through the atmosphere. I don’t like people frowning at your pal Fally, because I would rather them smile or maybe laugh because my ears are so BIG! Haha! Yes, that would be the ticket!

I love to be petted boys and girls. Oh yeah, right behind my ears.

You know what your old bean likes, MATZAH BALL SOUP. Gosh that shit is delish. They make it so good over in Europe land. I always try and push the itsy bitsy balls of matzah down. Boys and girls, did you know Falcor’s testes are made of Matzah balls? That’s what you’re eating when you eat that soup. Of course I can grow new testes so it’s not too painful for me. I am sorry if that upsets your bellies out there, but it is the truth. And as we all know, sometimes the truth is much stranger than fiction! Oh yes, oh yes it is!

Delizioso, Falcor’s buddins Emeril will be jealous

Another time after hanging out with my crew in Hungary, we pissed and threw shit like Worcester sauce on someone’s car. These Matzah’s Falcor was packing unloaded some heavy duty piss onto that automobile, or l’automobile as they say it Italy. Your friend Falcor was so ossified that he passed out in a gutter that night, only to be woken by a local urinating on my face! I guess what goes around, comes around in the land of the Euros.

When we got to Turkey (formerly the OTTOMAN EMPIRE for all my little history buddins out there), your old bean Falcor started tripping balls off these magical mushrooms we purchased off some gypsies in Bulgaria. It was great because the people I was with rubbed right behind my ears and treated me like I was a magical wizard or some silly little fib like that. Of course, I actually started to believe it and began casting "spells" on those around me. As they too were tripping, they believed in the spells and started acting out scenes from my favorite movie, "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." Yes, I had my own little Richard Dreyfuss for a few hours there!

Hot damn I was tripping Matzah Balls off that shit! They shaved me too, and I mean everywhere I had hair.

I must have lost 25 pounds just in hair from those fuckers! It’s going to take me another 10 years to grow my mane of pubic hair back to full strength. I don’t know how I’m going to take on all the bad guys like that rock monster now. That was one mean son of a biscuit. I beat him once before and made him eat shit. Actual dog feces from my rectum. RECTUM, damn near KILLED EM.’

Things got a little crazy in Germany. I found out that they made an actual amusement park ride based on yours truly. It was a strange sight to say the least. Falcor never had that many bodies on him even in the most sickening of orgies! It’s true lads and ladettes, Falcor always says the more the merrier. I had parties on my back like the bumper bowling kind. Anyway, the point of my ride is to let loose and have a good time, and if you fall off, oh well. Falcor actually flies and if you fall off him for real, tough fucking noogies pals.

Hold on, keep your butthole tight!

Anyway, we went back to the hotel in Turkey where they had Ren and Stimpy on, except it was in the Turkish language. We were at the end of our trip so when Stimpy did some stupid shit with his nose it made us feel like we were in a room full of balloons. Or maybe it was those balls that they have in the playroom in McDonalds. Falcor almost drowned in one of those until some fine young chap named Atreyu dragged me out of there by my ear. I let him ride me after that. No, not in the sexual way you sickos. I flew around for a little bit; gave the little bitch a fright because I flew upside down and did all these wacky flips and shit.

Son of a bitching kid; I had a date with a flying Chihuahua and we were gonna play Guess Who the Mystery Face Game.

So I gave him one of my balls filled with that good matzah to hold on to as I left him high and dry. Well mostly just high. I wanted to look cool for my bittie, so I went to Caldor’s and got some contacts so it looked like my eyes were 8-balls. COOL DUDES. That’s all I have for today, I might have the will power to tell you about that flying bittie next time. Until then, smile and don’t frown my friends.

Questions or comments? E-mail Falcor at Zubazfiles@yahoo.com