Hello, losers! I bet you were all wondering where I have been these past few months. You were probably crying like a bunch of little pussies, like a bunch of homosexuals! There have been rumors about my whereabouts. Some said that I was abducted by Mexicans and held for ransom. Others said that I was run over by a Chinatown bus. Some others even went so far to say that I hung myself with two Corn holders shoved up my rectum. I can assure you, my simple-minded readers, that these did not happen.

I will come clean about my life. There have been…setbacks. As you know, I was promoted to Chief Technology Officer at my company. It turned out the CEO and CFO were lying about our company’s earnings to the shareholders and workers – including me – and the company went under, our stock with it. I lost everything.

I also went to jail. Not only did the CEO and CFO run away to Paraguay with all of the money, they also framed me for it. Now I did manage to defend myself in court (I do not need a lawyer, thank you very much) and was cleared of all charges, but I was still sent to prison. Apparently telling the judge that he is a pea-brained fart is frowned upon in the judicial system. I was charged with contempt of court and locked up in a minimum-security facility for one month.

Minimum-security prison was not too bad. I had my own cell, which I decorated with various newspaper clippings. Instead of group showers, there was one shower on each floor. We each had our own assigned shower times. My time was 8:15-8:20 in the morning. I demanded a nighttime shower, but I was treated to a nightstick in my solar plexus. When I was able to breathe again, I asked that my shower time be extended by two minutes so I could have time to apply conditioner to my hair. I am not quite sure what happened after this request, but I did wake up in the infirmary a day later with a boot print on my face. Brutes.

When I was released, I had nowhere to go. My apartment was gone, my car was taken away, and I had only $8 to my name. I went to an Internet café and borrowed a computer from a kind yet filthy geek, posted on ZubazPants.com briefly, and then used the Cornell alumni network to reach out to fellow grads. Thankfully, a fellow alum named “Nacho” saw my plight and allowed to me to stay on his couch for as long as I wanted.

Nacho’s apartment was a disgusting hovel and I had to get out as soon as possible. Nacho himself was a fat alcoholic and an embarrassment to the Cornell name (his family must be a legacy). Plus he constantly watched DVDs of old television shows, complete with his own brand of commentary. He failed to convince me that there was a deeper meaning to Remington Steele and Dinosaurs, so he decided to pop in a taped episode of the putrid American version of The Office that he had missed. Well, we were about 10 minutes in, when this scene popped up:

Gee, does that sound familiar to anyone? I wonder who that is based upon? IT IS ME, YOU IDIOTS! They stole my likeness and used it in their lousy program! Plus they used Ed Helms to portray me? They should get George Clooney (personal friend) or at the very least Hugh Laurie (he is so talented). Well, long story short, I got a lawyer, took the show’s creators to court, and won a hefty, hefty settlement. Now I do not need to worry about working for a long while.

So that is where I have been, you bunch of losers. I had everything, lost all of it, and then won it all back within a short amount of time. I have achieved more than you wretches will ever hope to achieve in your entire lives. Now I must gas up my Ferrari Enzo and hit the roads – I have to check out a mansion that I feel like buying.

Later, losers.

Want to tell Pompous Douche off? Hate e-mail should be sent to zubazfiles@yahoo.com. Pompous Douche will respond to you in his next installment...if he feels that you are worthy of a response