Hello, losers! As you may have noticed, I have not been on the forum lately. It is because I have been scared off. Not scared off by the taunts and insults of the forum members, as pathetic and incomprehensible as they were. I was scared off by a word. A word that is beloved by numerous forum members, yet it is a word that does not exist in any language.

This word, ladies and gentlemen, is “perve.” No, I do not mean perverted, an adjective that Webster’s dictionary (which I read from front to back at age three) defines as:

1. (used of sexual behavior) “kinky sex”; “perverted practices.”
2. Having an intended meaning altered or misrepresented; “many of the facts seemed twisted out of any semblance to reality”; “a perverted translation of the poem.”
3. Marked by immorality; deviating from what is considered right or proper or good; “depraved criminals”; “a perverted sense of loyalty”; “the reprobate conduct of a gambling aristocrat”.

“Perve” is none of these things. It is a made-up word by the ZubazPants.com writing staff, and judging by the people who use it, it seems to be mainly used by the Zubaz idiots from Yorktown (Zubaz idiots from Long Island seem to say “suck” a lot, and Zubaz idiots from New Orleans always mention their destroyed city in every other post).

So what does “perve” mean, if not anything listed from before? Thankfully, Zubaz idiot Isaac Kasikov was kind enough to write about the origins, uses, and general meaning of the word in a column smartly titled “Perve Article” (that was sarcasm). I read this article five times and I have come to this conclusion: “Perve” is the dumbest single thing ever created by the brain of man. It ranks down there with the square wheel and the American version of “Coupling.”

This is what Kasikov has to say about the word. Please keep in mind you may go blind from reading such an asinine description:

“PERVE can be a good title and a bad title so don’t be offended if you are declared a PERVE or hollered at for acting in a PERVE manner. Being a PERVE is usually GOOD in my book because you are doing something bizarrely unique and it is making me laugh.”

I was able to follow it up to this point. I assumed “perve” meant “weird, yet typical” and I have to admit, there is room for a word like that in our lexicon. Then things went terribly wrong.

“One can only really be bad PERVE if his or her PERVENESS is trying to cheat somebody or inflict harm. For instance bad PERVE would be like trying to sell Nike Jeans to suburban kids. I sadly fell for this scheme in 7th grade at the infamous Beech Shopping Center Flea Market located on the outskirts of Peekskill. Those people are real PERVE, PERVE off the charts of comprehensible PERVE.”

…What? So, bad people can be “perve”? But being a cool type of weird is also “perve”? Oh, tell me more Mr. Cass, because this is really getting interesting (again, sarcasm). 1. My friend Frank was “PERVING” everyone out when he was too enthusiastic about my friend’s German Shepard. He was hyping it up beyond reasonable limits by screaming, “It’s an incredibly intelligent animal, incredibly intelligent!” He was shouting this at my friend’s mom whom he was never formally introduced to. Therefore he has been deemed a PERVE.

2. My friend Bryan and I flap our hands to symbolize the angels in “Angles in the Outfield,” when playing beer pong to psyche the opposing team out. We coin ourselves Glover and Gibson. When we do this we are being PERVE.

3. When my roommate Miles sits in his room and pumps emotionally fueled pre-pubescent rock he is mentally “PERVING out.”

4. When my dog Buddy sits at the stairs and peers down like he is in debt of something, he is being a god damn big PERVE (Dogs are especially PERVE and they can carry the title pretty much throughout every action of their lives)

I finally get it. I understand “perve.” Thank you, Isaac. “Perve” is a term for people who have such a limited grasp on the English language that they simply do not know how to describe things, so all they can utter is “perve.” That’s it. Oh, and the fun doesn’t end with the article. That is just the appetizer. You have not seen stupidity until you visit the forum of this crappy website and see the Zubaz idiots use “perve” to describe every single thing under the sun. For an example, here is forum member shoenthal talking about where his ideal location for graduate school would be:

“As remote a location as possible in as perve a state as possible.”

Oh, so “perve” can be used when describing states also? Then what the hell does it mean in this instance? A nice state? A state with a low population? A state that has Publix supermarkets? But let us not question it, because when you do, the Zubaz idiots go insane. Fishman, whom I believe is Oodus on the forum, tried to impose some pathetic rules by editing posts that contained “perve.” Hell hath no fury than when you try to take something retarded from the Zubaz idiots. A call to revoke Fishman of his moderator powers erupted, with the use of the word “perve” being overused to the point where it stopped being laughable, but merely sad that these stoners care more about a nonsensical word than improving their own lives.

Their defense of “perve” was that they could use whatever words they want because it is a free forum. Fishman decided to let it go, but I cannot let him do that. Getting rid of “perve” can only help the lives of these plebians. It is like when people in a small southern town constantly say, “Get ‘er done.” It is a slang term coined by an unfunny comedian who is as disgusting as he is stupid. Yet, the Zubaz idiots look down on that term as foolish. But “perve,” which may be more foolish than “Get ‘er done” because it does not even have a definite meaning to it, is worshipped like a golden idol by these drunkards. Hypocrisy, thy name is ZubazPants.com.

Come with me, if you will, to an alternate dimension. It is a dimension that all the Zubaz idiots would truly want to live in. It is a dimension where “perve” is used as often in public as it is on the forum. Hopefully you, the reader (if this site has any), will see how horrible and putrid this word is when it is put in this context. This is about Bob and Tina, an everyday couple engaging in a conversation…

BOB: “How was your morning?”

TINA: “So perve. I took out my perve keys and went to my perve car, but the engine did not start. I had to wait for the perve city bus and everyone on it were so perve. It was perve.”

BOB: “That is really perve. I went to that perve grocery store in that perve neighborhood. You know, the one with the real perve clerk? I bought these perve bags of chips because I was really hungry. It was such a perve move.”

TINA: “I think I won’t go to my perve job tomorrow. It’s just too perve.”

BOB: “I follow.”

What if one of the Zubaz idiots was a witness to a crime? The criminal would never be caught because the conversation with the detective would go like this:

DETECTIVE: “So describe what this robber looked like.”

ZUBAZ IDIOT: “He looked real perve.”

DETECTIVE: “Perve? You mean, perverted?”

ZUBAZ IDIOT: “No, I mean perve. He looked real perve.”

DETECTIVE: “Uh-huh…well, how tall was he?”

ZUBAZ IDIOT: “This perve height.”

DETECTIVE: “Um…Any tattoos? Piercings? If so, what did they look like?”

ZUBAZ IDIOT: “Yeah, he had a tattoo. It looked perve, y’know? And he had these perve piercings. The guy was a total perve.”

DETECTIVE: “I’m going to shoot you now, junior.”

Do you understand me now? “Perve” is actually used this much on the forum. It scares new users away, as stated by a new forum member who recently stopped posting! So what did the Zubaz idiots do? Did they stop using the word because it is actually damaging the future of the site? No, of course not. That would make sense. They said they would rather not have the site attract new people than give up the stupid, stupid word known as “perve.” Did you expect anything else from these morons? They did not go to Cornell, so we know they are not on the highest echelon of knowledge.

Well, I suppose I should wrap this up. I just vomited on my keyboard because I can no longer stomach typing out “perve.” Darn, I just vomited again. I highly advise reading the response to this article on the forum. I promise it will be very stupid, and I bet the P-word will be peppered all over because no one on this site knows of any other words. I just hope that the Zubaz idiots somehow overdose on the word and choke on their own tongues while they twitch and flail on the floor during their last moments in life. Farewell, losers!

Want to tell Pompous Douche off? Hate e-mail should be sent to zubazfiles@yahoo.com. Pompous Douche will respond to you in his next installment...if he feels that you are worthy of a response