“Okay, whoever this is really is a typical pompous douchebag from CORNELL. But he is right, everything is fabulous in ITHACA! Woooo! But he's def from cornell, no offense to whoever this dude is that wrote this, but he's way too cocky for my liking."
-tacnskyofdiamonds (from the forum)

What do you mean, "whoever this is really?" I'm a real person, not one of these Zubaz idiots who attended...ahem...STATE schools. SUNY Buffalo? What's that about? Are there even any gorges? What good is a college when you don't have a gorge? Don't even get me started on SUNY Oneonta. I've seen shantytowns in the Deep South more livable than your beloved "City of the Hills." I'll stick with "far above Cayuga's waters" Cornell, thank you very much.

This lil' missy on the message boards of this site run by retards is upset about what I wrote last time. Well here's some news: ITHACA COLLEGE SUCKS! With your dumbass fountains near Dillingham Center and that stupid Armillary Sphere, near the Center for Natural Sciences.

You idiots from Ithaca College and those SUNY punks aren't even worth the words I'm typing right now, especially any kid who attends Ithaca College. You guys are a poor retard's Cornell. Your campus isn't even worth the glamorous beauty of Ithaca. I saw the movie "Can't Hardly Wait" the other day. You know the scenes in the beginning when it shows where the main characters will be going to college? Well, the dumb jock character is going to ITHACA COLLEGE! BIG SURPRISE! That's why "Can't Hardly Wait" is such a great movie. I was like the jock in high school, except that I wasn't dumb, and I had three girlfriends who were better looking and had bigger breasts than Jennifer Love Hewitt. They still call me, but I have too many other girlfriends now.

But I'm being tough on the Ithaca College campus and its staff. Truthfully, the only bad thing about Ithaca College is that it is full with Ithaca College students. It is a known fact that the average student at IC is prone to walking into mirrors, confused by their own reflection, much like a brain-damaged pigeon. Students from IC love to drink alcohol, but not because they know it makes them drunk. They don't know the meaning of the word. They just know that alcohol, or "Funny Soda" as they call it, soothes their savage heads and makes them feel, and I quote, "Duuuh, funny."

As for SUNY Buffalo, that campus is located in a frozen tundra of death and sorrow. Eskimos refuse to attend that place. I heard that their dorms were based off the designs of a prison! Do you think if Ezra Cornell was in charge that would happen? No, sir. He knew that he had to establish the best school in the entire world in the best place in the entire world - Ithaca. All Buffalo has is food - wings and that beef-on-weck shit. More like Queef-on-drek, if you ask me...and you should be asking me, since I'm smarter than you, especially if you attended SUNY Buffalo.

Jim Byrne, the Zubaz creator, went to this "school," as did those writers of marginal talent, Matt Fishman and Ian Valentine. Here's my impersonation of a Fishman article: "That sucks. This sucks. My life fucking sucks. Porn is funny." Ah, the education of a state school - never ceases to amaze.

Mr. Valentine's article about things he doesn't like really struck a cord with me. That's a lie, but I like sarcasm, so I will continue to lay it on thick. Gee, someone on the Internet ranting about stuff they don't like? Alert the media! We have a fresh writer on our hands! No one on the Internet has ever done THAT before! And how about the amazing talents of Paul Feuer? "Real AIM" was the type of article that people go out of their way NOT to read. I would let Paul off the hook if the AIM conversation that he worked so hard to copy and paste onto a Word document actually contained a funny conversation, but it did not. I've had funnier conversations with my pet cat, Rexxar (who, by the way, may be smarter than the entire Zubaz writing staff combined).

I asked the Zubaz shits if I could become a regular writer, but they said no, stating this: "You're a pompous douche and you should go fuck yourself in the ass with a semen-encrusted dildo." They're obviously just jealous.

Okay, what this article all boils down to is my superiority over all things. I'm shocked someone had a problem with my last installment. Wouldn't you be cocky if you were me? If you have a problem, just e-mail the staff at this fourth-rate website and they'll pass it along to me. You're probably thinking, "You're just one of the writers being a character." Sorry to burst your bubble, but no, I'm not. I'm a Cornell grad and I despise being compared to these pricks. I would like to see some e-mail from IC students, but they don't understand computers...or basic spelling.

Want to tell Pompous Douche off? Hate e-mail should be sent to zubazfiles@yahoo.com. Pompous Douche will respond to you in his next installment...if he that feels you are worthy of a response.