Oh, hey, I know you. I went to high school with you, didn't I? I didn't really see you that often because you were in the, heh, regular classes. Yeah, you know I was in Advanced Placement. Yeah. Where did you end up going to school? You went to, uh, community college, right?

Oh no? Where then?

Oh, that's uh, heh...uh, a state school, right? Heh, wow.

What? Nothing, sorry. I went to Cornell.

Yeah, it was great. Cornell is so cool. Everyone should go to Cornell. It's just the best. And the gorges are so beautiful. You know what they say - Ithaca is Gorges! Hahahahaha!!! That one never gets old! It's a pun! I bought the shirt, too. I wear it when I'm not in Ithaca and it blows so many minds. The girls just want to suck on your balls after that.

No, they really do! Let's see...I also partied a lot, met cool people, went to Europe for a semester, and...yeah, Europe. It was great. I taught some English and really found myself. Then I came back to the States and graduated Summa Cum Laude.

Oh, thank you. It was, like, nothing. The professors were a joke. I knew more than them. So did you get accepted to your college or did you transfer from community college?

Wait, you actually applied during high school and got accepted? Oh, I guess you applied early decision then.

Oh, you really did? Yeah, I was wondering...I thought your school was a little better than that.

No, no, I'm just saying that I remember that we were in 6th grade English together and you were reading The Phantom Tollbooth book for like a month.

You read it twice? Yeah, okay, sure. Hey, don't push me! Relax. Jeez...so...I bet you did a lot of partying up there. It's a party school, I heard.

Get a lot of women? I did. I had all these girlfriends. They totally wanted my cock in their mouths. Hey, why're you walking away? C'mon, let's catch up. You took...five years to graduate, right?

Oh, four? YOU actually managed to graduate from college on time? I had you figured out all wrong. Hey, I'm just joking! Give me back my sunglasses.

So what do you do now, just hang around? I heard from some people that you were struggling a bit. I got a job once I graduated, like three days after graduated, seriously. I make $75,000 a year and that's only a starting salary.

Oh, you do have a job? How much do you make?

A year? Dude...I make that much in a month. Well, you went to a state school and weren't in any AP classes and that's usually how it is. Still live at home?

Thought so. I moved out five months ago. I live in the city in the Upper East Side. My own place, it's really nice. Low rent. Great view. I'm only home to visit my parents. You're still a virgin, right?

OW! Don't hit me! OW! What the fuck, man? Don't mess with me - OW! AW SHIT! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING NOSE! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I WAS IN AP ENGLISH IN HIGH SCHOOL AND WAS PART OF MODEL CONGRESS! I WENT TO CORNELL! HEY, LET GO OF ME! WHERE ARE YOU THROWING ME?

THE GARBAGE CAN?! HEY MAN, I KNOW GEORGE CLOONEY! HE'LL KICK YOUR ASS! WAIT, DON'T!

This garbage can smells. The garbage smells so much better in Ithaca.

Questions or comments for Pompous Douche? E-mail him at Zubazfiles@yahoo.com. He would love to talk to you!