Smash: Ahoy mates! Welcome to the latest edition of “These Are a Few of Our Favorite Things,” with your good buddies Ax and Smash!

Ax: Hello, friends! It’s a pleasure to once again grace this website, writing alongside such luminaries as Ian Valentine, Matt Fishman and that semi-retarded Paul Cancun kid.

Smash: Speaking of Paul Cancun, his effort and never-say-die attitude have given us a lot of motivation in the past few weeks to bring you this column. He’s like our own version of that autistic J-Mac kid they keep showing on the old telly-vision.

Ax: Except Cancun hasn’t really done anything remarkable except for putting his fingers to a keyboard … but, hey! That’s a pretty impressive feat for someone with Down Syndrome!

Smash: Yes, kudos to you Paul Cancun, kudos to you. You are the wind beneath our wings! But let’s get on subject here. Today, we want to talk about one of our favorite things in life, as suggested by the name of this column.

Ax: And that would be our favorite meal of the day, BREAKFAST! Fuck, just thinking about it makes my mouth water! Good god I want to rub maple syrup on my nipples!

Smash: Settle down there Ax, we’re only about seven graphs in here and you are already talking about using breakfast condiments in a sensual fashion.

Ax: Cool guy alert! Anyone notice that Smash just said “graphs?” Guy thinks he’s all smart because he wears glasses and goes to journalism classes at Parts Unknown Community College! Ya stupid bitch.

Smash: Yes, so breakfast, it’s good, and we love it. And we’re not talking about just any breakfast here, only the best. Diner breakfast. Nothing gets Demolition going like a big hearty breakfast at the local diner on a Sunday morning. And there is pretty much nothing on the menu that Ax and the Smasher have not tried yet …

Ax: Except for poached eggs … shit, I’ve been alive for over 60 motherfucking years and I still don’t know what the fuck a poached egg is. Only answer I get is something about a cupcake wrapper and elephant guns. Friggin’ Greeks. Get with the FUCKIN’ program or go back to your goofy looking country!

Seriously, WTF?

Smash: Again, settle down. Back on topic, I’d have to say that our favorite thing on the menu is that one meal fit for a brontosaurus that is always in its own box separated from everything else and floating around on the menu somewhere.

Ax: I’m sure you have all seen it too, and have been tempted to order it when you are starving in the morning or baked off of your ass at 2:43 a.m. while trying to order a pitcher of chocolate milk too. Philo, our Greek waiter, never let’s me order that, the prick. No matter how parched I tell him I am! Heartless bastard.

Our waiter Philo can be a real asshole sometimes

Smash: Whether it’s called “the Lumberjack,” “the He-Man,” or the “Fat Fuck Feast of Champions,” that baby is loaded with everything you need. If you can’t decide between eggs or pancakes or between the trio of sausage, ham and bacon as a side, then this is the meal for you, because this baby comes loaded with it all!

Behold! The Lumberjack meal!

Ax: Yeah man, you got your fuckin’ eggs, you got your fuckin’ home fries and your motherfuckin’ toast, you got fuckin’ bacon, sausage and that fuckin’ slice of ham that nobody eats and of course, that side dish of three fuckin’ FLAPJACKS stacked like a motherfucker with the butter that looks like ice cream on top drippin’ down like Smash’s mom’s poonani after I get her all hot and bothered.

Smash: What, are you going for some sort of Scarface record here?

Ax: Sorry, I just read one of Joey Scaggs’ articles and this meal gets me pretty worked up.

Smash: Yah, I can tell …

Ax: Sorry Broseph. I’ll get this train back on track. Sometimes you just ain’t that hungry, and you need a simple meal. Well, the classic should do the trick for you. And the classic is the two eggs meal. Unless the diner is some commie institution, with the eggs you get home fries, toast and your choice of one of the three meats.

Smash: Again, I think only real sickos get the ham, especially when choosing it over bacon and sausage. You have to be a straight-up pervert to be ordering that slice of ham, in my humble opinion of course.

Ax: For me, the battle between bacon and sausage is like Ali-Frazier. It is always a tough call when that Grecian bastard comes by to take my order. Bacon gets the slight edge for one reason. You always know what you are getting. It’s gonna be fuckin’ bacon and it’s gonna be fuckin’ good. With sausage, it is pretty much guaranteed to be damn good, but it comes in so many damn forms.

Smash: He’s right, you have the fat links, the skinny links, and then the rare circles.

Ax: Fuckin’ circles. I like to think of it like this, you have Ax’s cockola—the fat links—ladies? Ladies? Ya hear me? Then you have the itty, bitty, skinny links, which, if the rumors are true, are very similar to what Smash calls his “penis.” I put that in quotation marks because most women would call it a peach crayola crayon before referring it to something they want in their snatch.

Smash: Dick, take it down a notch, we don’t want to make people click on a “Yes, I am 18 years old” box before they read our article. Christ almighty. Don’t make me get Crush to replace your ass again.

Ax: You wouldn’t dare! That fuck orders the ham!

Smash: Right here, right in my cell phone book! Right below Crash Holly (lord rest his soul) and above Damien Demento.

Ax: You wouldn’t!

Smash I would! Get your ass back on track.

Ax: Yeah, so, the sausage. Well, a bonus of getting the sausage over the bacon is the fact that you can dip those fuckers in the maple syrup and hot damn, is it good!

Smash: The thing about this, is that even though it sounds weird, most people know of this and do it themselves all the time. Now, I’m sure weirdos like ZubazPants.com’s Ian Valentine and Roosta Da Neezy wouldn’t do it because they are thickheaded, close-minded and not open to new and fascinating things on their dinner plate, but most of the sane world has tried this and loves it.

Ax: Moving along, another of my favorite aspects of breakfast at the diner is the old-school jukebox attached to every booth with the classic songs and colored labels. Really brings me back to my childhood.

Smash: Yeah, you don’t know excited until you see Ax here run up the ramp into the Diner, then into his favorite booth and then throwing his hand straight past the ketchup and jelly packets onto the jukebox.

Ax: It’s great! You have some young Greek lad bringing ya an ice cold glass of water while you choose between Hall and Oates “Because your kiss” and that “Woolybully” song.

Rockin’!

Smash: And let me tell you, it always ends up being Hall and Oates.

Ax: I guess you can say I have a thing for mustachioed men. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Smash: You’re an idiot.

Ax: There’s a whole laundry list of things we can get into here for breakfast, but I think we have covered most of the classics.

Smash: Yeah, we could have gone into Eggs Benedict and Omlettes, but we decided to spare you on that.

Ax: I do want to add a comment about Omlettes though. What a fucking cool word! Just say that to your self. Omlette. Ommmmmlllllleeeettttttte. Look at it on this screen too. Just look at it man. It is a feast for the eyes and mouth!

Smash: You really need to lay off of the crack-cocaine, man.

Ax: Probably.

Smash: One thing I do have a question about is “Lox.” I mean really, what the fuck? Is this just a Jewish thing? What is that shit? Fish on a bagel? That’s fucking sick. You won’t eat dairy products, but when it comes to fish on a bagel you’re fuckin’ all about it. I’m sorry, but that’s just fucking sick. Look what it does to me, makes me talk like Ax.

BARF!

Ax: Don’t act all high and mighty. You know you’re the real sick fuck behind closed doors.

Smash: Is this about the 50+ magazines again? Just get over it dude, different people have different tastes.

Ax: Maybe it’s just me, but most guys like tits that aren’t on the floor. Guys, am I right? Am I right?

Smash: Whatever … Ax is BI the way, have any of you out there ever ordered cereal from the diner? I know I haven’t. Why go out for cereal? That is just fucking stupid. I could see if they had some wild specialty cereal, I mean, that’s something that I could get on board with. But, it’s usually just boring crap like Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies and Cheeri-o’s. BORING.

Ax: Yeah, about as boring as your sex life. Don’t make me bring up the stra—

Smash: Anyways! That about covers it for this installment, we hope you enjoyed and we look forward to the next time we get to write about some of our favorite stuff.

Ax: And if you’re lucky, the Smasher might just talk about his Kamala: 12 months of the year calendar!

Smash: Fuck you, you motherfucking piece of cocksucking shit.

Ax: Thattaboy! That’s the Smash I know and love!

Smash: Until next time …

Questions or comments? E-mail Ax and Smash at Zubazfiles@yahoo.com