Ax: Hello again, kids and kiddettes!

Smash: Yes, welcome back to our humble little abode here at ZubazPants.com!

Ax: We know we had promised you all a column about the joys of the first meal of the day—breakfast—last time, but we decided to go a different route today in light of the season we are in.

Smash: As many of you may know, the haunting season is upon us, and Halloween is just around the corner. And I am sure that you might imagine—judging by our attire—that we just love Halloween.

Ax: Oh, it’s true, it … is … true! Ever since me and the Smasher were little Demos running amok back in the day, we have always been in love with the concept of Halloween.

Smash: It gave us a reason to get dressed up like SCARY monsters and HILARIOUS clowns for at least once a year, something that you can probably imagine tremendously impacted and influenced our futures. What wasn’t there to like about the holiday? From the crisp air of autumn …

Ax: To the fun in decorating your house with fake spiderwebs, decorations and other kooky things …

Smash: To the previously mentioned costumes (me and Ax went as Gilligan and the Skipper one year!) …

Ax: … and then, of course, to the best part of all …

Ax and Smash in unison:THE CANDY!

Smash: You can bet your bottom dollar that Demolition loved and still love going around, trick-or-treating and collecting as much candy as humanly possible.

Ax: So, in honor of Halloween and the unparalleled joy that the candy has brought into our loves, we decided to talk about some of our favorite-

Smash: And least favorite! …

Ax: … candies that we have received on Halloween.

Smash: Now, there are many, many, many, many candies that we have had throughout the years, so we limited it to a Top Five and Bottom Five list. In all honesty, we could have made this a Top 100, Bottom 50, but Ax is suffering from Carpal Tunnel’s syndrome and can’t really type on the ol’ computadora for long these days. And I sure as hell ain’t typing up all that shit!

Ax: Haha, yeah, it’s true. Too much porn surfing if you catch my drift … but yeah, without further ado, here is our list!

Ax and Smash’s Halloween Candy List!

Nickels

Ax: The only reason this didn’t rank higher—or lower, if you will—on our Bottom 5 is because it is money after all.

Smash: Yeah, but nothing gets my goat like the cheap fucks that give out nickels on Halloween. Usually it’s some little old lady that thinks kids these days can still afford candy for a five-cent piece. Stupid, senile old geezers. Throw me a quarter at least! Then I can use it on a gumball in the 25-cent machine at A&P.

Ax: Yeah, NEWSFLASH, Old Man River, they don’t sell moon pies and pennywhistles at the candy shop for five cents a dozen any more. Dumbasses. You people can go drive yourselves off a cliff.

Top 5, No. 5

The Unattended Big Bowl of Shit

Smash: Not unlike our No. 5 on the Bottom 5 list, this one would have been higher except for a certain variable. If some douchebag comes along before you, the whole bowl might be empty. Then you are shit out of luck. Bastards.

Ax: Oh get off of it Smash. You know that you are that douchebag half of the time.

Smash: Yeah, and what’s your point? There ain’t nothing better than getting a whole bowl of Sugar Daddies or Milk Duds and dumping that shit in your goodie bag. Well, except of course for our Top 4!

Bottom 5, No. 4

Candies that are even smaller than “Fun Size” Candy … which aren’t even “fun” in the first place

Ax: You know who can go eat a dick?

Smash:: Who, Ax, who?

Ax: People that buy one bag of candy to give out on Halloween, and that one bag of candy is the Hershey’s miniature package that contains the mini little candies of Hershey’s, Hershey’s Dark, Mr. Goodbar, and Krackel. FUCK THAT SHIT.

Smash: Seriously. At least hook us up with like three Krackels or two Krackels and a Mr. Goodbar. If I’m getting one Hershey’s Dark from your broke ass I’m gonna launch that fucker onto your goddamn roof.

Ax: Either that or drop a deuce on their fucking lawn. There’s a Hershey’s Dark for ya.

Ax and Smash high five

Top 5, No. 4

Butterfinger

Ax: As Dave Chappelle would say as Samuel L. Jackson, “MMMM, BITCH!”

Smash: Holy shit Ax, please. That shit is so played out. Why don’t you go around saying “I’m Rick James, Bitch!”

Ax: UHHH, WHAT?!

Smash: I said, Holy shit Ax, please. That shit is so played out. Why don’t you go around saying “I’m Rick James, Bitch!”

Ax: UHHH, WHAT?!

Smash: Oh fuck you, asshole.

Ax: OKAAAY!

Smash: You’re a fucking idiot. Where were we? Yes, in conclusion, Butterfingers are awesome!

Ax: YEA-UH!

Smash: I give up.

Aye Carumba is right Bart Simpson

Bottom 5, No. 3

Fruit with Razor Blade in it

Smash: Hahahaha … this one makes me laugh every time. Ax, why don’t you tell them what happened?

Ax: Shit … back in Halloween of ’89, Smash and me were parading around our neighborhood as none other than “The Tag Team Champions” as our costumes. I know, it wasn’t very original, but we wanted to brag about winning the straps. Well, we went to Old Man Jablonski’s house, and it just so happened the guy was giving out fruit that year. As if that wasn’t a no no enough. If I recall correctly, Smash got an orange, while I received an apple from Jablonski. Obviously, we were pissed off about the fruit, so I went to take a bite of my apple before I roofed that fucker. When I bit in, I immediately felt blood in my mouth. My tongue was lacerated thanks to a razor blade sticking out of the apple. I still can’t believe I didn’t see it before I bit in. Here is a picture Smash took that night …

Smash: Bwahahahhahah! Hilarious! You should have seen the look on Ax’s face! PRICELESS, let me tell you.

Ax: Yeah, well I got my revenge. I went and banged on Jablonski’s door, and when he came out, I beat the ever-loving shit out of that old man.

Top 5, No. 3

Mini Goodie Bags

Smash: Although you never know what you will get in those little baggies that are sometimes given out at houses, they are usually filled with enough joy and delight to make even the crankiest of trick-or-treaters quite pleased.

Ax: I like when there is loose candy corn in there!

Smash: Me too Ax, me too. I just love the fact that someone took the time to individually wrap each and everyone of these little goodie bags. They took the time to make sure each child gets an even amount of candy and variety. That just warms my heart like you wouldn’t believe.

Bottom 5, No. 2

No. 2 Pencils

Ax: Isn’t it funny how these people never hand you the pencil? It’s always an empty house with a crate full of pencils sitting on the porch. Like they’d even have the balls to hand me a fucking No. 2 pencil. I’d slap that shit right back in their face.

Smash: They even have the audacity to leave a sign saying “please take only one.” Fucking pricks. Like anyone is going to take five No. 2 pencils. Yeah, I bet little Johnny is so upset when he gets to the house and there are no No. 2 pencils left. “Waaah! Why did the big boys have to take all the No. 2 pencils!”

Ax: Remember the house that gave these out last year?

Smash: Hahahah, how could I forget? I hope they enjoyed taking each and every one of those pencils out of their front lawn. Me and Ax took that whole crate and individually jammed each pencil into the dirt. It was an instant Halloween classic.

Top 5, No. 2

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Ax: In all honesty, what can be said about Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that hasn’t been said before?

Smash: Well, how do you like to eat your Reese’s Ax?

Ax: Shit man, I love Reese’s so much that I pull down my pants, whip my cock out, fuck a hole into the candy, and then eat that bitch. MMM!

Smash: Dude, that is gross, and there are kids reading this. Tone it down a bit won’t cha?

Ax: My bust.

Look at all the flavors now! Mmmm …

Bottom 5, No. 1

Almond Joys/Mounds

Smash: HWHARFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!

Ax: BLECHHHHHHHHHHH!

Smash: I’d say the only thing worse than this, is the one thing that we disqualified because it technically wasn’t anything.

Ax: I don’t know man, I think I would rather read the note left by the Jesus freaks saying how Halloween is evil and for sinners that go to hell than get either an Almond Joy or a Mounds candy. That shit is gross!

Smash: You make a good point there, but either way I am getting sick to my stomach.

Ax: And who the fuck names a candy “Mounds?” Say that shit out loud, it just sounds funny. Mounds, mounds, mounds, mounds, mounds. Weird.

What the fuck is that white shit in there?!?

Top 5, No. 1

Giant Candy Bars

Ax: Well, we’ve come to the last stop. The glorious King Size candy bars that are given out every so often on Halloween. The people that give these out are real class acts and become a guaranteed destination for any trick-or-treater that knows what is getting doled out.

Smash: We always give these out too, because we know that it is the most exciting thing to get. It doesn’t matter what kind of candy it is, as long as it is massive, you get an “A” in my book.

Ax: You have to appreciate the fact that people dropped 75 cents a piece on these bad boys too. Whenever I get one, I feel like Kevin Spacey in that movie we watched the other night. What was the name again? Ah, yes Pay it Forward. That movie was full of good messages. I suggest renting it.

Smash: Yes, giving these out is the surefire way to be the biggest star on your block come Halloween.

Ax: That about does it for this installment of “These Are a Few of Our Favorite Things,” we hope you enjoyed it and be sure to check us out next time.

Smash: And have a Happy Halloween! Don’t bite into any razors, right Ax?

Ax: Oh, fuck you …

Questions or comments? E-mail Zubazfiles@yahoo.com