Ax: Hello, hello again!

Smash: Greetings friends!

Ax: As you may or may not have guessed, the higher powers at ZubazPants.com seemed to have liked our previous installment on the joys of the canine species so much that they gave us a featured column here on the site. And to put it lightly, me and the Smasher are just thrilled to be here with you!

Smash: Yes, the only time we have ever been as close to this excited was when WWF Magazine did a feature on us back in 1989 that landed us on the cover of the mag!

A time capsule to our glory days in the late 80’s

Ax: And while it was quite the thrill to grace the pages of a top-notch—albeit generically named—publication like WWF Magazine, having the opportunity to be true Internet superstars is what me and Smash have always dreamed about since we first took a dip into “web-surfing” and signed up for AOL in 1995.

Smash: Ah yes, I can remember our early days on the Information Super Highway, we registered under the screename WalkingD. Yeah, terrible, WE KNOW! What a mistake, we didn’t even understand what they were talking about when they asked us to choose a username! But eventually we figured it out and thought, “how about ‘Walking Disaster,’ like it says in our theme song?” Little did we know of AOL’s asinine eight character limit for a screename. We were left with god damned “WalkingD.” And once we started logging in to chatrooms to trade porn with other users, we realized how bad the error of our ways actually was. How could WalkingD match up with screenames like Duster00, ShotgunX and HotHun69? Thanks to that screename, we could never get our hands on those pictures of Tiffani Amber Thiessen wearing a see-through bathing suit or engage in some kinky cybersex.

Ax: I was fucking pissed about that, LET ME TELL YOU! Let’s just put it this way. It’s hard for ImAman in Idaho to get worked up when “WalkingD” of all people is telling her “I am placing my hand under your brasierre and twisting your hardened nipulatory area.”

Smash: Shit, I bet ImAman was really hot too, like the model Iman! I’m still a little pissed that she wouldn’t even send a pic though.

Ax: But before we recant all of our trials and tribulations with Al Gore’s ultimate masterpiece (Gore was screwed in 2000! How could that happen to the inventor of the Internet?! I’m not bitter though), let us explain what we want to bring to you in each and every installment of our column. Tell ‘em Smash!

Smash: Dude! Leave the Legion of Doom out of this! They’re still pissed because they think we ripped off their gimmick … shit, fucking Animal is going to be flooding my gmail account.

Ax: I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. Don’t worry though, Hawk is six feet under, and he was always the one that bitched and moaned about god damned copyright infringement. I think Animal is half a retard anyway, I seriously doubt he knows what a computer even is. That retard probably thinks Odell Lake is still the revolutionary fishing game.

Smash: Ax! You can’t say retard! Be PC man, PC!

Ax: Again, my bad. My lips are sealed. Explain our column to the masses.

Smash: As I was saying before Ax decided to try and alienate half of our fanbase, we are going to be bringing you installments of our brainchild column, “These Are a Few of Our Favorite Things” every so often. Basically, the jist of the column is that me and Ax will be talking about the small wonders that bring us joy in our lives. Call it an ode to little things. We really think that you will enjoy it.

Ax: What gave us the idea for the column is the reception that we generally get from fans and other people that we meet in the public arena. People see us in our fearsome facepaint, admittedly homoerotic S & M gear and macho long hair and sometimes get intimidated and become nervous and basically scared in our presence. And believe us, that’s the last thing that we want people to feel when they are sitting next to us sipping mochachinos at Starbucks, playing Dance Dance Revolution at the arcade, or shopping in the same aisle at BJ’s for Ron Popeil’s latest neat-o gizmo.

Damn straight he is!

Smash: We want people to realize that beneath the frightening and what has been called a flamingly homo exterior, we are just like anyone else. We’re just a couple of fun-loving free spirits that see the beauty in the everyday routine of the so-called rat race. Probably not too much unlike you reading this piece right now!

Ax: And Smash … you are forgetting one other thing, but I will tell them … WE ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE SHOW FRASIER!

Smash: Oh sweet mother of sanity how could I forget? From the cute little puppy, the cranky old man, to the deliciously smarmy Niles, that show just had it all.

Ax: Let me tell you, many a night has been spent on the couch watching our 8-hour VHS tape that contains our personal favorite episodes of Frasier.

Heck! Maybe even one day we will get to reviewing some of the best episodes of the old smash hit NBC show!

Dare we say, best show ever?!

Ax: The column is called “These Are a Few of Our Favorite Things” after all. So maybe if enough of you Demomaniacs/Frasieraholics out there e-mail us and request for us to do that column, it may just happen!

Smash: That’s what we’re here for folks!

Ax: Well, I think that about does it for this little introduction of ours … but before we go, we wanted to leave you a little sneak preview of what is in store for our first edition. Smash, give ‘em a clue.

Smash: Best meal of the day …. Eh? Eh? Eh? … The Trix rabbit stops by sometimes … getting warmer? … Egggggs? Bacccccon? TOOASSSSST?

Ax: Well, if you haven’t guessed already, you’re probably a retar- …. Er, just not a morning person! Yes, our first edition of “These Are a Few of Our Favorite Things” will be about none other than the delicious meal of “Breakfast!”

Smash: Ooooh boy, I can’t wait!

Ax: Neither can I Smasher, neither can I … so until next time, we bid you adieu! Hit our music!

Questions or comments? E-mail Zubazfiles@yahoo.com