That’s right bitches, after not answering your questions for what seemed like a fortnight … we’re back! I know you’re excited, but please try to contain your excitement; we don’t want you having any orgasms on the keyboard. However, as happy as I am to announce our comeback, I have bad news for you all. The bad news is that Roosta da Neezy is no longer with the Dear Zubaz staff. Unfortunately, while backpacking through the treacherous terrain of Wisconsin, he was mauled by a wild, bloodthirsty herd of sheep, and he is now in a coma. The man put up a good fight and made lamb chops out of several of those sweater makers, but in the end those wooly bastards got the best of him.

But anyways, since that pussy quit on us, I have a position to fill in my stellar Dear Zubaz column. And who to fill it with I had no idea. First I racked my brain for what had to be at least three minutes, but then a hot girl (who probably wanted me) walked by and totally wrecked my concentration. So I gave up on that and took the easy way out. Every Dear Zubaz will now have me collaborating with a different ZubazPants.com writer. Great idea, huh? I thought so too.

In trying to pick my first special guest, I was reminded of an ancient Nintendo proverb, “Remember your roots.” And remember my roots I shall, as the first guest answerer on Dear Zubaz is none other that the man that made this site and this column possible. Fans from around the world, I present to you my first guest answerer, an Innovator of the Internet, a Warlord of the World Wide Web, and of course, the founder of this site … Jim Byrne.

Now, no more bullshit, let’s get to the questions and answers.

Q: Here’s a question for you guys that I have wondered about for years. If someone was born on a leap year, February 29, when do they celebrate their birthday? Once every four years? Does that mean if someone is 24, they are really only six? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!1!!!!11
-Connie G, Age 27
Baltimore, MD

Ian: First of all, your joke about the person being six years old is the lamest shit I have ever heard. If you EVER say that again, you deserve to have your ovaries eaten by a serial killer. As for your question, I’d say you celebrate on whatever night will make for a better shitfest of a party. Hopefully one of those days will be a somewhat respectable day to drink on, which it usually will be, as pretty much every day except for Tuesday is acceptable (but even Tuesdays can be justified). But whatever day chosen to celebrate on, one thing is for certain. On that day, the person who has a leap year birthday better slap their mom for not timing her birth better, as she has forever thrown a kink into their birthday festivities. Dumb bitch obviously thinks about her self too much and neglects others’ feelings.

Jim: I have a piece of advice for all the ZubazPants.com fans out there. Never have sex with a person who was born on February 29. I did it once and now, whenever I move to a new residence, I have to go house-to-house in the neighborhood and explain why I have a “Yes, I am Sex Offender” sign in my front yard. When I do this, I either get kicked in the nuts, punched in the dick or have my schlong dipped in dog bowl full of scalding hot battery acid. So, to answer your question Connie, a person that is 24 is actually six years old according to the government. They may have sweet voluptuous cans, but no jigglie puffs are worth ending up on “To Catch A Predator.”

Q: Hey guys, is it socially acceptable to answer your phone on the shitter? I think it’s cool as long as you’re not making any noise. What you don’t know can’t hurt you, right?
-Marcus, Age 29
Albuquerque, NM

Jim: Fuck yes, it’s alright! Shit man, I do most of my talking on the phone whilst shitting. Think of it like this. Shitting, like listening to music, is one of the few things in this world that is meant for multi-tasking. So, shit and talk, shit and read, or my favorite, shit while grilling up some juicy, 8-oz. cheeseburgers on the George Foreman Grill. The latter option even doubles as an air freshener! Fuckin' A dude, you can even shit, cook, and talk all at once. Talk about productivity!

Ian: Jim … that is nastier than thinking about you having sex with someone. God, I just puked a little in my mouth. Hell no, it’s not okay to talk on the phone while dropping a nugget. But not because it’s not socially acceptable to do so, but because that is the one place you should be able to go where no one can bother you. The bathroom is your own personal fortress of solitude. You go in there and your biggest worries are messy wipes and what to read while in there. There are no parents telling you to do things, no friends jokingly making fun of you, and most importantly, no girlfriend nagging your ear off. So why bring the possibility of these people calling you to do these things into the bathroom with you? It’s your time man. Shit in peace.

Q: I’m not sure if you guys are religious or not, but I need you to answer a question a friend and I have been arguing over. Do you guys think Adam and Eve had navels?
-Mark A., Age 46
Nashville, TN

Ian: Well, you just blew my mind. Not because of your question, but because you actually believe in this propaganda religion bullshit. There is no God, which therefore means there is no Adam, no Eve, and definitely no navels. It’s all one big scam thought up by the government to get us involved in unnecessary wars. Sorry to break it to you, but it’s true. Have fun in the afterlife! Halleluiah!

Jim: Mark, don’t listen to Mr. Valentine here. Believe what you want to believe. But, take a guess as to why Ian has a little sand in his vagina when it comes to this topic. Yep, you’ve got it, he has an “outtie” belly button. I know … it’s fucking nauseating. Why don’t you take a few minutes to clean your self up after barf session I’m sure y’all just had.

Okay? Better now? … Let’s finish this off.

Fucking outtie FREAKS. They should all be herded up and forced to eat peanut butter and AIDS sandwiches. Let’s take this proposal to Congress. The sooner we get rid of these abominations, the better we will all be as a society. The real question should have been, “would you rather have no belly button than an outtie belly button?” The answer is, clearly, yes.

Q: My little boy is a real rascal, he’s always running away from me when we go out in public. I’ve been thinking of getting one of those kiddy leashes, what do you think?
-Cindy, Age 32
Omaha, NE

Jim: You want to know what I think? Well, I think you should start digging a six-foot hole in your backyard, because that’s where you are going to end up in about seven-to-ten years after your kid is ridiculed as, “Clifford, The Leashed-Up Douchebag.” I’m serious Cindy, start digging now. If you love your boy, make it easier for him to dispose of your corpse. Who knows, he might just poison your Kool-Aid in the dog days of August, but he could very well also carry you up a flight of stairs, throw you into a wall, stomp on your head, pick you up, throw you into another wall, bludgeon you with a baseball bat and then jam a pick axe into your skull in the dead of winter. Don’t put any extra pressure on his back by making him dig a ditch when the ground is frozen over.

Oh, to make it easier, you might not want to ever mention the leash thing again, kay?

Ian: Don’t listen to Jim, he’s bitter about leashes because his girlfriend has him on the world’s shortest one. I think this is a great idea. Think of the possibilities here. Putting that kid on a leash teaches him you’re the boss, and this makes him subservient to you. It’s like a free, well-trained mini slave! Before you know it, he’s getting you snacks, changing the channel for you, and hell, if you train him well enough, you may have your own personal ass-wiper. Now how glorious does that sound? And as for him killing you when he gets older…that’s a small price to pay for many free years of indentured servitude from your kid. So strap that son of a bitch up and show him where the power lies.

Q: You assholes ruined my life! I wrote you guys previously asking for advice on how to get my girlfriend, who was waiting to have sex until married, to have sex with me. Roosta told me to go down on her … but all I got was a cramped tongue and a dry hump. And Ian, you told me to use roofies, and guess what? Yeah I got to her snatch, but then she had me arrested! Now I am facing jail time because of you Zubaz wearing fucksticks! Thanks a lot assholes! So now what? What the Hell do I do now? My life is ruined! You bitches better have some good advice for me now!
-Justin F, Age 18
San Diego, CA

Ian: Booyah! Glad our advice got you laid. But since you are obviously a tool who can’t come up with your own answers, we’ll bail you out AGAIN. When you go to court, try for the insanity plea. Just tell them that the clowns dancing in your head told you to do it. And then Boo Bam, free room and board in a cool ass padded room. And straight jackets are making a comeback, so you’ll be on top of the latest fashion trends. But if you do get found guilty, being a registered sex offender isn’t that bad, just ask another one of our writers, Mu. And by the way, your girlfriend wasn’t waiting for marriage; I fucked her back in ‘04.

Jim: Well, first off, I wasn’t doing this column when you received the advice you did, so back off on the “fuckstick” comment, twatwaffle. You should be lucky I wasn’t here though, because I would have told you to drive off a cliff for even dating a prude like that. Well, I guess death might have been a better thing than where you are headed now. I hope you enjoy hanging out with the sodomites at prison, Justin. If applicable, kiss your constipation problems goodbye! Shitting will now be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

Q: Do you guys know the secret codes to unlock Beavis and Butthead in NBA Jam? What about Barney the Dinosaur? Or how about Anna Nicole Smith’s dead carcass? I’ve been playing this game for 12 years now, and all I can unlock are the two Clintons—Bill and George “P. Funk”—and a bunch of dickhead game programmers that no one gives two shits about.
Stephanie, Age 25
Newark, NJ

Jim: First of all, wow, it’s way too soon for any Anna Nicole jokes, you insensitive bitch. Second of all, what the fuck is wrong with you? You actually believed those schmucks on the school bus when they told you about the Barney and Beavis and Butthead secret characters? How stupid are you? Christ. Who told you that? Tommy? I bet you it was fucking Tommy. That jerkoff was always spreading rumors about secret characters. He even told me that you could unlock a porn scene in the Aladdin video game where Aladdin is smashing Jasmine doggy-style, while Abu is filming and Robin Williams is beating off in the corner. Yeah, Robin Williams, not the “Genie” character he plays. I can’t tell you how many nights I spent trying to unlock that shit. God, I’m stupid.

Ian: Fuck off Jim, it’s never too soon to make fun of someone’s death. Especially Anna Nicole Smith’s death. I hope she overdoses on Trimspa in Hell. And by the way … the baby is mine. But anyways, you have been playing this game for 12 years now? I’m going to put this as nice as can. You are pathetic. Your whole life has been a complete waste. Sorry buddy, but you have bigger problems in life than finding out the cheat code for Beavis and Butthead, like whether or not you should consider suicide. But I guess I’ll help you a little … the cheat code is…fuck you, go Google it. Bookshakalaka!

Q: Hi guys. I was just wondering where all the white does when snow melts? How does it just go away?
Ron A., Age 10
Amherst, NY

Ian: Whoa whoa whoa ... I’m not to sure if I want to get involved with this. I don’t like the racial undertones of the white “going away.” But I will tell you this. Black Supremacists have been pissed for decades that the snow is white. So let me just say that the snow disappearing has something to do with them, goat blood, tube socks, and vacuum cleaner attachments. That’s all I can say without endangering my Caucasian ass. Just use your imagination.

Jim: Elmer’s Glue man, Elmer’s Glue. Didn’t you ever wonder where Elmer’s Glue came from? What, you thought they made it in some factory or some shit? You thought it was polyvinyl acetate-based or something? That when you mix it with borax it produces a viscoelastic liquid? Stop huffing paint thinner and use your fucking head next time, RONNY.

Q: What would you do if you saw an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
-Harold, Age 50
Miami, FL

Jim: First, I’d let nature take it’s course. Who gives a shit about plants anyway? They can take “photosynthesis” and stick it up their asses. It’s not like they are a living, breathing creatures with hearts and souls and cute, cuddly faces, right? Exactly. Well, after that animal ate the stupidhead plant, I’d take out my fork and knife and attack that endangered asshole. I’d stab it repeatedly in the throat, bringing the beast to its final resting place. Then, I’d start up a fire and cook that son of a bitch. I hear eating an endangered animal adds three inches to your cock, and lord knows I need any help I can get. Heck, I’ll probably even be able to tack on another three because of that endangered plant that the animal had consumed earlier.

Harold, your question is irrelevant. The only thing that matters in life is adding inches to your dong.

Ian: You know, this is a tough call for me. However, even though I think eating plants is for pussies and anything that doesn’t eat meat should be sacrificed to the mighty Allah, I think I would let the animal eat the plant. My reasoning is simple, I am pro-Global Warming. I am sick of all these cold winters, dammit. I need year-round nice weather and the associated being outdoors, shorts and a shirt, and of course, scantily clad women. God I love it, and I need it. I personally already destroy plants, litter, and run my car for no reason, so hell, I’ll take any help in assisting Global Warming I can get. So animals, eat all the plants you can find, endangered or not. So bon appetite, and sayonara environment!

Q: I am a huge macaroni and cheese eater, but one thing always bothers me. How come the boxes always have a push/pull tab that you are supposed to use to open the box, but it never works? You always end up mashing the box and having to peel the box open with your fingernails. Why do they even bother having this tab on the box if it doesn’t work appropriately?
John K., Age 25
Spokane , WA

Ian: Excellent question! As an avid macaroni and cheese fan myself, I have also been perplexed by this quandary. I think it’s because macaroni and cheese companies want you dead. Not only do they kill you through the delicious sticks of butter, salts, and saturated fats that are in their ingredients, they also try to make you cut your fingers open by ripping that damn box open. So combine the unhealthy ingredients with the cuts on your hands, and you have yourself a recipe for a disastrous death. And why would they want you dead you ask? Obviously so they have more delicious macaroni and cheese for themselves, duh!

Jim: What the HELL are you talking about, Valentine? Has that toxic Propecia/Rogaine cocktail you’ve been spreading on your dome caused you brain damage? I think so. And I have another question for you. I know you’re a big macaroni and cheese connoisseur, so I was wondering if you shit straight mac and cheese? This wouldn’t surprise me. But what does surprise me is the fact that you have trouble opening a cardboard box. I’ve never even thought of this as a problem. On the other hand, another one of your favorites—Capri Sun—used to give me fits back in the day. I remember jabbing the straw into any part of that bag I could get it into. Actually, this foreshadowed my future sex life and my invention of “Nasal Sex.”

Q: How come when I’m banging chicks, their titties are always flowin’ in a counter clockwise fashion? I tap that shit from every angle, but I can’t seem to get them going like my wristwatch. What’s up with that?
-Brock, Age 21
South Bend, IN

Jim: What, didn’t you ever learn about the Coriolis Effect in Middle School? What kind of schools do they have out there in Podunk, IN? It’s simple physics, Brock. When you’re tapping some ass in the Northern Hemisphere, her jammers are going to circle in a counter clockwise fashion. Now, when you are in mid-coitus down under in the Southern Hemisphere, those ta-ta’s are going to be rocking around the clock. Ah, the science of bouncing boobalas.

Ian: I think the real question here is WHO THE FUCK CARES?!?! You’re tagging hood rats and you’re paying attention to he motion of their hooters? Come on man, I thought I taught my fans better than that. Naturally, you have to pay attention to the jugs, as they are fascinating things that deserve attention. But only pay attention to them for a bit. The rest of sex should then be spent paying attention to how you are going to pull off a facial (consenting or not), and concocting a plan of how to quickly get out of the room just incase she gets pissed at you for doing it, and wants to slap you for it. Because after all, hell hath no fury like a scorned—and cum drenched—woman.

And that’s all for this time. I hope you found Jim Byrne and myself as helpful as I know we were. Next time I will have a different writer help out with these wacky questions. But in the meantime, send those damn questions to TeamZubaz@gmail.com, and let more intelligent people do all the work for you.