Back by popular demand, Ian Valentine and yours truly, Roosta Da Neezy are back baby! I bet you can hardly control yourself. Grab a cheeseburger and sit tight, because you’re about to witness Zubaz greatness. And don’t worry folks, no censorship took place in this installment. The King of Zubaz, Jimmy Byrne let everything slide. So now it’s time to get down to business. Valentine and Roosta have some work to do. Enjoy.

Q: I am a 2nd grade elementary school teacher and just recently a student asked me a question during art time that I had no answer for, maybe you can help me. Why is it that glue never sticks to the inside of the bottle?
-Patty M. De Moines, IA. Age 32.

Ian:Whoa. I can’t believe you are a teacher and don’t know this. And our future leaders of America are being taught by you? Man, only in Iowa. But to answer your question you tramp, glue needs oxygen, or should I say that stuff you breathe, to be sticky. Without it, you just have a tube full of goo. Goo that I hope a kid in your class tries to eat and chokes on and dies, just so you can get fired and thrown in jail.

Roosta: A teacher doesn’t know this answer and that’s reason enough to call her a tramp and wish death on one of her students? This just in: Ian is an asshole! We should be questioning the kid who asked this question. That little ankle-biter should be eating that glue and not asking why it doesn’t stick to the fucking bottle. Go sniff some markers you little shit.

Q: So I’ve been with this girl for about five months now and everything was going fine until she dropped a bomb on me. She told me that she’s not going to have sex until her wedding night. What the hell do I do, because I’m not going to marry this girl?
-Justin F. San Diego, CA Age 18

Roosta: Man, girls always pull out the “I’m waiting until I get married” card. Most of them are full of shit. Get her drunk and go down on her, really get her juices flowin. Pull your dick out and go for it. If she rejects you with the same excuse then just dump her prude ass. Who knows, you might end up getting laid.

Ian:I would suggest Roofying the girl, because date rape is full proof, and I know where you can get it for cheap, but I think you’re ready for a little more of a challenge. Wait for her to fall asleep one night, crawl on top of her and throw it in. Technically, it’s not rape because she never said no since she was sleeping, and it should make for a wild ride when she wakes up. And of course you have a guaranteed excuse. You were ‘sleep walking…er…fucking.’

Q: I don’t want to sound like I am making fun of Jewish people or anything, but I have a weird question about them. How do bald Jewish men get the Yamaka to stay on their head when there is no hair to clip it to?
-Mark V. Sacramento, Ca. Age 22.

Ian: You know, I have often found myself wondering the same thing. But honestly, I don’t know a God damn thing about those Jewish bastards. Being so, I have invited a guest to answer this who may know the answer. Fans, I give to you, My personal favorite Jew, and fellow Zubaz alum, Fishman

Fishman:Yamakah’s stay on bald men due to one reason: suction. They are really just the end of plungers sucked onto a bald Jew's head. A wife smacks the plunger on her husband's head, unscrews the handle, and voila: a Yamakah that never falls off. It's a trick from the old country

Roosta: Fishman you’re way off. The answer is pretty easy. They staple those bitches on their heads. It’s kind of like when a baby gets circumcised, it’s a one-time deal. Once Jewish people lose their hair they have to go to some Jewish hospital where they specialize in Yamakah work. The Doc staples the Yamakah down and Boo Bam! That shit is there for life.

Q: Why is it okay to pick your eye boogers but it’s not okay to pick your booger boogers?
-Becky Y. Chicago, IL Age 21.

Roosta Wow. Did a girl really just ask that question? Hunny, you bring a new meaning to the phrase “Gold Digger.” You’re probably one of those chicks who picks their nose when they’re in their car, because you think no one can see you. Earth to Becky… your windshield isn’t tinted! Try using a tissue. Booger picker.

IanYou are an idiot Roosta, you didn’t even answer the girls question. Let’s see what I can do. So Becky. Becky. Hmmmm. I like that name…it’s sexy. I’ll tell ya what. How about you bring your ass down to NYC, and I’ll let you pick whatever you want…as long as you do it while rubbing my balls…because unlike picking your nose, rubbing my balls is definitely ok.

Q: How come the channels on the TV start on channel 2, and not on channel 1? This makes absolutely no sense to me, it’s like the cable network are scamming you out of one channel. Any explanation?
-Roger K. Spokane, WA. Age 40.

Ian:This is cable companies trying to be creative. They think it’s ‘cute’ starting on channel 2 instead of one, and they think this ‘cuteness’ is supposed to make us more satisfied customers. Well you know what cable companies, how about you get rid of my Lifetime, Home and Garden Network, and TLC, and give me more free channels I can beat off to, like Playboy and Spice. Maybe then I’ll be a ‘satisfied’ customer.

Roosta:Ian, quit trying to act like you haven’t rubbed one out to the Home and Garden Network before. And what’s with all of this “cute” talk? Anyways, back to your question Roger. The cable system has to start at channel 2 because… well…. Shit man, I don’t fucking know. Is it really that big of a deal anyways? Look at it this way, it’s one less number you have to check while channel surfing.

Q: So my girlfriend is packing on the pounds and I don’t know what to do. I started to workout again thinking that maybe she would get motivated herself but no luck. She just keeps eating and eating. What do I do?
-Chris S. Manhattan, NY Age 23.

Roosta: I think what you need to do is pretty simple. We all know you can’t just tell her she’s fat or get her a gym membership for her birthday, so here’s what I suggest. You need to start having an eating disorder. Develop anorexia. She’ll see how skinny you’re getting and once she stands next to you she’ll look twice as big as before. Then her diet will start.

Ian You dump her ass before you’re known as the fat chick thriller. You don’t have time to wait for her to lose weight. The rumors are already circulating. Get the hell out of that situation before your reputation eats you alive, pun intended.

Q: After watching the Super Bowl this past weekend I noticed the Steelers only have a logo on one side of their helmet. Why is this?
-Timmy L. St. Louis, MO, Age 19.

Ian:This one is basically a play on words, a pun if you will. You see, they are the Steelers, so what happened was they stole the other logo off the side of their helmet. See it now, Steelers, Stealing the logo. Hahahahahaha, man I am hilarious. Actually, I’m sorry. That is a horrible answer. The real answer is because Terry Bradshaw is the biggest, most pathetic doofus in America.

Roosta: I’ll tell you why. It’s because Ben Roethlisberger’s facial hair looks like a bunch of pubes glued on his face! Fucking Steelers. The real question you should be asking is why the Cleveland Browns have orange helmets and fucking a dog for their mascot.

Q: I was at this party and I got completely wasted and passed out. One of my friends thought that it would be funny to draw penises all over my face with a permanent marker. I didn’t find out until I went home and my mom asked me what was on my face. So how do I get this asshole back guys?
-Thomas R. Charles City, MI Age 19.

Roosta: Man I’m flattered you would come to us about this. Valentine and myself are the kings of pranks. This will work like a charm and it’s a page right out of the best movie ever, “Dumb and Dumber.” Here’s what you need to do: First, invite that guy over, along with the hottest girls you’re friends with. Get some alcohol and let the good times roll. When that asshole who drew on your face goes to “break the seal,” slip in some X-Lax and wait patiently. Then when he’s workin' game to some hoe, his ass is on the borderline of exploding. Enjoy the show.

Ian: Man that is child’s play. I have a much better idea that will haunt him forever and leave him regretting the day he fucked with you. Go find a picture of him, preferably something close up so you know it’s him. Then, write over the top of it something like, ‘Herpes survivor’, or ‘Genital Warts ain’t got shit on me!’ Now go to Kinkos, and scan those things, 4 to a page. Now print out as many as you can, which is surprisingly a lot, for however much you want to spend. Now cut the papers into 4’s, and now you have some quality flyers of him. Now go to the local dorms, parties, and bars and hand them out. He’ll never fuck with you again, or fuck at all for that matter.

Roosta Agreed. Do what Ian suggested. That fucker is going to regret the day he fucked with Big Tommy boy!!!

Q: I’m a huge fan of you guys and all of your answers make sense to me. So I figured I’d ask you probably the toughest question known to man. What is the meaning of Life?
-Kyle H. Lakeside, MI Age 34.

Roosta This is probably the deepest question Dear Zubaz has ever received. I’m going to have to put on my “serious face” for this one. I think the meaning of life is to be truly happy. Start a family and blah blah blah blah blah. Fuck that. The reason why we’re here is to fuck as many different people as possible, smoke as much weed as we can, and watch the Bills win a Super Bowl.

Ian:Wow, the best question ever asked followed by the worst answer ever, Roosta never ceases to surprise me with his ignorance. As for the real answer, the meaning of life is to worship yours truly. That’s right, Ian Valentine. Hell, I already have a day named after me on February 14th, the only thing that is left is world domination. So start early, and worship me. Then you will be ahead of the game, and you are well on your way to having a complete, and meaningful life.

Q: I must say, I think it is such a great thing that your website allows a mentally challenged writer to write for it. It is very inspirational and sets a great example for other mentally challenged individuals and other websites. But my question is, what is Paul Cancun’s mental disability? Does he have Parkinson’s disease, Cerebral Palsy, a missing chromosome maybe?
-Tonya G. Roanoke Va. Age 34.

Ian: This may be the most commonly asked question in Dear Zubaz, and I think it’s time we address it. Although it is highly skeptical, Paul Cancun does not suffer from any confirmed mental disability. Yes, I know, it’s hard to believe; I am quite shocked myself, but it’s true. Why his articles are so bad though, now that’s a question for another day.

Roosta: I beg to differ. Even though I’m not quite sure what disease he suffers from, it’s got to be something. It’s okay though, I’ll still be his friend even if he’s a retard. He’s put together some quality articles in his time. He had a Dear Diary series of 3 going on for a bit. Paul is smarter than you think, he figured out how to scan a page and paste it into his article without asking anyone how to do it. Granted he didn’t write anything more, he still gets an ‘E’ for effort from me. And we all know how good his “Real Aim” article is. That article is the most talked about article in Zubaz history.

That puts an end to this chapter of Dear Zubaz. I hope everyone had as much fun as we did. Be sure to keep the emails coming, and keep testing our knowledge with brain busting questions. Remember, all questions posted with receive an autograph nude picture of Morano, better known as MU. Hope you kids had fun!

Question? Comments? Want a nude picture of MU? If so, email us at notoriousrkg@yahoo.com or ikartz11@yahoo.com.