Hello readers, it’s that time of the month again, and I don’t mean bleeding vaginas. It’s time for another installment of Dear Zubaz. In the past month thousands upon thousands of questions have poured in asking for our expertise, and we can’t let our fans down. You have questions? Well, we have answers. Enough bullshit, lets get to the good stuff.

Q: If you could go back in time and trim Jesus’ beard, what kind of look would you give him?
-Travis M, Rochester, NY. Age 23.

Ian:Without a doubt in my mind, I would give him the most classic facial hair ever, as modeled by a childhood hero of mine, Jim the Anvil Neidhart.

This has Jesus written all over it.

Just look at that masterpiece. Couldn’t you just see our Lord and Savior sporting that facial massacre? Yes, he may get excommunicated for it, but that’s a small price to pay for some bomb ass facial hair.

Roosta: Shit, you took my answer…yeah right! How fitting that your “childhood hero” loves to wear pink. See now I was thinking more along the lines of giving Jesus a real powerful look, a real intimidating look that just screams dominance. I’d have to say I’d give Jesus a “Hitler Stache.” Jesus would have everyone fearing his ass. Sure it would be a very controversial patch of hair, but its Jesus, he can pull it off.

Q: So I was in Florida for vacation recently and I went to a pretty cool zoo. I was just wondering though, why do flamingos just stand on one foot?
-Jasmine F. Portland, OR. Age 28

Roosta: This is simple really, they’re trying to entertain themselves by playing the “who can stand on one leg the longest” contest. Shit, why the fuck not? They’re stuck inside a caged area FOREVER!! I’m sure if they had arms they’d do headstands too, maybe even some cartwheels. Man, if I was stuck inside a cage forever I’d probably learn how to lick my elbow or something.

Ian: Yeah Roosta, flamingos are having a contest. You’re a fucking retard. The real season is simple. It’s because flamingos are gay. Yes that right, they are gay. Lots of research has been conducted and the results are unanimous, flamingos are butt pirates. Don’t act surprised, think about it. They are pink after all, and they have that big mouth and neck so they can deep throat. Them standing on one foot is because their other foot is serving as the classic gay limp wrist. Good to know gay stereotypes are consistent across numerous species.

Q: What do you think about a girl cumming? Do you think it’s hot or gross?
-Sarah M. Parts Unknown. Age 23

Ian: Who the fuck cares? Hot, gross…who gives a shit as long as I get a nut. I could care less if a girl cums at all, as long as she keeps wet enough for me to keep scrambling her ovaries. Her cumming is just extra lubrication for my big johnson to squeeze into her cooch.

Roosta: You know guys who brag about having a “Big Johnson” are usually the ones rollin’ around holding a cocktail wiener in their hairy palms. Anyways, I’d actually have to agree with Ian for a change on this one. I could give a fuck whether or not a girl got off as long as I didn’t walk out with blue balls. If we both cum, then we walk out winners. If not, then better luck next time baby girl cuz Roosta Da Neezy doesn’t give a flying fuck. You might be better off investing in a jumbo pack of seedless cucumbers to tickle that ‘G’ spot because once I cum its game over.

Q: I was watching the Florida Panthers get destroyed the other night and their goalie played so bad he got pulled in the first period. I don’t understand why they just don’t go out and get some fat lard to sit in front of the net and get hit by pucks. Is there some type of weight regulation for goalies in the NHL?
-Fred W. Japrick, RI Age 24

Roosta: Have you ever seen a fat man stand up for three periods of 20 minutes each? It can’t happen. Their ankles, or should I say cankles, would break faster then the three piñatas did at Ian Valentine’s sweet 16 birthday party. And besides the whole cankle problem, do you really think a fat obese fuck milking the food stamp system, would really do physical labor when they don’t have to? Doubtful.

Ian: Man what a sweet 16 party that was, thanks for bringing that up Roosta. Anyways, you would think that would be the smart thing to do. However, there is a conspiracy against fat people. The government doesn’t want fat people to exist anymore because they suck, so they are trying to weed them out. In this case, they are keeping them from being successful and getting a high paying goalie job, so as a result they will have financial problems, which will either cause them to starve to death or lead them into a deep depression that will inevitably end with them killing themselves. Ingenious if you ask me. Fat people suck at life and should all be made to eat McDonalds until they die a horrible, super sized death.

Q: Guys, I can’t take it anymore. I hate life, I have no job, no friends, and no one loves me. I have no reason to live. I am going to kill myself. Don’t try and stop me, it’s too late. But when I do it, I want to make a big statement when I do it. I want everyone to remember me for what I did, so they can all look back and see how tormented I really was. No guns. No rope. I want this to be special. Any suggestions?
-Rob V. New York, NY. Age 30

Ian: Don’t try and stop you? Hell, man that never even crossed my mind. The faster you are out of here the faster I get to deal with one less bitch ass New Yorker. But I’ve got a great idea for you, unfortunately it does involve some rope, but in a different way. First, go to the roof of a tall building. Next, tie a rope to your ankles like you were bungee jumping and weigh it down by something, but make sure the rope it short enough so it will stop you about 5 feet from hitting the ground. Next, get a fishing line and tie that around your neck and again weigh it down by something, but cut that so it will only reach to about 10 feet from the ground. Next, glue your hands to the side of your head. Now jump. 10 feet from the ground the fishing line will decapitate you and you’ll he hanging there holding your head in your hands. That should put a few witnesses in therapy.

Due to controversial matter, Roosta's submission was censored, replacing him for the moment will be this picture of Gallagher ... enjoy

Q: This shit bothers me son for real, why the hell we wash bath towels when the only time we use them things is when we’re clean? You know what I’m sayin?
-Shawn B. Brooklyn, NY. Age 30

Roosta: Look what we have here guys…a ghetto mother fucker who’s concerned about bath towels. Now that’s gangsta if you ask me. I bet if you quit taking those cologne baths of Tommy your towels wouldn’t end up smelling like Rosanne’s camel toe. Ease up on the cologne and you can go weeks, sometimes even months without washing your towels. It’s glorious!

Ian: You don’t have to look any further than your own ass on this one. Your bath towel touches your ass, and let's be honest here, no matter how many times you wipe, your ass is never totally clean. There’s always going to be some particles lingering around your ass. It’s like a fecal graveyard back there. So your towel comes along and has to clean up the shit after party you missed before. And if you don’t want to clean your ass handkerchief, I can almost guarantee you're that guy who smells like shit but everyone is too nice to speak up and tell you.

Q: My wife recently asked me to get a vasectomy, and since she went through the pain of having four children, I thought I should do it. But I have a few questions about it. If you get a vasectomy, what exactly does that mean? Like I know you get your vas deferens cut, but isn’t that vas deferens what connects your testicle to the end of your dick? Does that mean you can’t ejaculate anymore? What happens when you orgasm?
-Scott R. Harrisburg, PA. Age 42.

Ian:What a selfish bitch. She wants you to do it? After four kids she’s probably loose as Hell anyways and wouldn’t feel a damn thing if someone reached up there and tied her tubes, so she should be more than happy to get them tied. And the fact that you agreed to this makes me wonder about you, but I won’t even get started with that. As for your question, yes the vas deferens connects your nuts to your dick. So, in essence, no sperm comes out when you bust a nut. But, some ‘cum’ does come out from other places, it just isn’t potent with the baby making fluid like normal cum. It’s like orange juice with no pulp. The juice is there, but the little extra kick is missing.

Roosta: I’ll be honest, I really had no clue as to what a vasectomy was. I remember the first time I heard the word, then I heard the words cut and dick right after. That right there was reason enough for me to stop listening. If my wife ever suggested that to me I’d divorce her so fucking fast. Where does your wife get the balls to ask you that? Your wife is obviously the problem here. So what she gave birth to four kids, these days that’s nothing, just ask the bitches on welfare. Your bitch wife is probably related to Lorena Bobbit, that crazy ass hoe.

Q: My boyfriend for some reason always wants to “titty fuck” me. I’m not really sure how he gets off to it because all I do is sit there. Why are guys like this?
-Gloria J. Richmond, VA. Age 22

Ian: Why do we like it? Because we found a new orifice on your body that can get us a nut. Who gives a shit if you like it or not, it’s all about us during sex. If you want pleasure go use a vibrator in between being our cum dumpster. And besides, what the Hell are you doing just sitting there, you prude bitch? You’re supposed to be playing with our balls, catching our dick in your mouth, sticking a thumb in our ass, and at the bare minimum preparing for a facial. You want something to do while we defile your mammaries? Pick one of those four. Or at least you better unless you’re a selfish bitch.

Roosta: Man I tell ya, I started to get a little hard on once I started to read this question, but Ian put an end to that real quick. And I quote; "sticking a thumb in our ass." What the fuck man? A thumb in your ass?!! You don't even do drugs so I know it's not 'X' that you're on. You are seriously one dirty ass mother fucker. A thumb in your ass, a fucking THUMB!!!

Q: I'm having some lady troubles and I was hoping you guys could help me. See there's this hot girl in my class who always goes out of her way to flirt with me. I know she's interested, but there's one small problem, I have a girlfriend. We've been together for a couple years now and I think she's the "one," but this girl is a '10' and mine is only about a '7 1/2'.' What do I do?
-Brent Z. Talahassee FL. Age 20.

Ian: Man what kind of pussy are you? I think this choice is obvious. Try and get a threesome. If your girlfriend loves you as much as you say she does, then she should do anything to keep you happy, even if that means watching you pedigree another girl while that girl eats her out. And if she won't make this small sacrifice to make you happy, fuck her, she's obviously selfish. And if the other girl wants you that bad, make her earn the sweet nectar of your baby batter by being sandwiched between your man meat and your girlfriends kooch. Trust me, if she wants you enough, she'll do it.

Roosta: Ian let me ask you a question, how many times has that worked for you? I believe it's zero times Mr.Valentine. Sorry Brent, but Ian's on some serious crack today so it's up to me to give you a good answer. Definitely don't ask for a threesome because it will NEVER work. Those types of things happen spur of the moment, not when you ask. You're girlfriend will drop you faster than a hot chili cheese dog on a rainy Tuesday. Now what you need to do is play it smooth. Invite this hot chick from class over to "study" but don't tell your girlfriend. Before this hoe gets to your house slip some roofies in your girlfriends wine and take her ass to the bedroom. When the other girl gets there just do the same with her and its "Go Time!" With them all passed out you might even be able to go in through the "backdoor" if you know what I mean. Let me know how it works out Brent, glad I could help

Q: Why do retards have to take the short bus? Aren’t they capable of riding on a normal size bus?
-Greg D. Seattle, WA. Age 19

Roosta: It’s just America’s way of making fun of the little tongue chewers. Sure they might be capable of riding on a bigger bus with “normal” people, but being a retard is like getting poison ivy. That shit is contagious as hell and I know damn well I don’t want to be one of those people drooling all day on myself. So stick the retards back on the short bus, fuck equal rights!

Ian: Poison Ivy? What the fuck are you talking about? Seriously though, what the Hell do you expect? Are we supposed to reward them for being retards by allowing them to ride on a much bigger and nicer bus? Hell no. Shoving those assholes in a much smaller and more demeaning bus is their punishment for being so god damn stupid and annoying to society. That will show those peons not to be retarded.

And that’s all for this installment folks. For those of you that wrote, keep a look out for your autographed Mike Morano picture that should be arriving in 3-21 business days. And don’t forget to keep sending in your questions. Remember, we are better than you, so we have all the answers.

Email us at Ikartz11@yahoo.com or Notoriousrkg@yahoo.com