That’s right boys and girls, myself, Ian Valentine and my running mate Roosta da Neezy are back for a second installment of Dear Zubaz. Last time we used our intelligence and expertise to successfully help numerous people with their questions, and left them saturated with new knowledge and information. We covered such areas as domestic violence, lightning, chickens, and even menstruation. And because of our enigmatic answers, people knew they could look to us for advice and for answers, and we ended up receiving thousands upon thousands of emails with more questions for us. With that being said, I’ll quit the jibba jabba so Roosta and I can get down to answering our fans’ questions.

Q: Recently I have been starting to get erections for the first time. And even though I am embarrassed to admit it, I started to play around with a condom. But I can never seem to get it on right, as it breaks every time before I get it rolled all the way down. Can you help me? What am I doing wrong? I don’t want to need one someday and not be able to get it on.
-Mike M. Cincinnati, OH. Age 14.

Ian: First of all, you’re only 14, so the only action you’re going to see anytime soon is your right hand. But as for your question, your problem is using a condom in the first place. No one uses condoms anymore man. Condoms are so ‘90’s. People stopped using those like people stopped using pagers. Who needs them anyways? So what if you get a girl pregnant, you can abort that thing anyways. And spooky STD’s? Most of them are curable anyways. And the ones that aren’t, well what’s a better way to die than to die because of fucking some broad? Nothing.

Roosta: Geez man why don’t you just go tell him to jump off a bridge? Don’t listen to Ian, okay Mikey? I think it’s great that you want to practice safe sex. The World needs more people like you. Alright, so this is how you put a condom on. First you open up the wrapper, grab the condom with your right hand. So far, so good. Now gently… throw that fuckin’ waste of $5.00 in the garbage. Save your money and blow it on your girls face! Better yet, have her ass go to the nearest pharmacy store and buy some birth control pills. Then your can erupt inside her like Mt. Fuji.

Q: Guys I need your help bad!! My report card is getting mailed out next week to my parents and I’m flunking every class. They are going to kill me! What do I do?
-Pauline G. Salt Lake City, UT. Age 15.

Roosta: Man you’re screwed. If you were failing one class then you could talk your way out of it, but every class? What are you some kind of Special Ed student? Pretty much the only thing you can do is intercept the mail. Make sure you’re home everyday next week around your mail delivery time. When it comes, take the report card, pour gasoline all over it, spark a match, and “Poof,” all your troubles are gone faster than Saved By The Bell’s “New Class.”

Ian: That may be the worst answer ever. Light it on fire? Eventually the parents will get a hold of the grades somehow, so you’re just delaying the inevitable. The real answer is simple. So they’ll kill you for bad grades huh? Well, they can’t kill you if you kill them first. Just make it look like an accident. Who needs them anyways? Parents are overrated. Besides, they are doing marvelous things these days in orphanages and foster homes, so you may even be better off without your parents. And don’t forget about that sweet ass life insurance check you will get for both of their deaths. Man, this bad report card may be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

Q: Since Americans seem to always get Chinese words tattooed on them, does that mean Chinese people get American words tattooed on them?
-Billy Ray, Cleveland OH. Age 41.

Ian: No, you idiot. Everyone knows Chinese people could care less about written language, and only know math. They don’t give two shits about any words, as all they care about is numbers. Hell, I’m not even sure Chinese people even know how to read. But give them question about logarithms or how to FOIL and watch out. I wouldn’t even be surprised if the Chinese people have multiplication table tattoos on the “oh so creative” spot of their lower back.

Roosta: The fact of the matter is that Chinese people can’t afford to get tattoos because they’re too busy spending money on penis pumps, erection growth pills, and penis workout tips because they all have small dicks. I’m sure if they had a little extra cash they might splurge on a tattoo, but why the fuck would they get American writing on them? The Americans who get Chinese writing tattooed on them are fucking tools. I bet the cliché tattoo every Chinese fuck would get if they had the money would be a scary Dragon, or maybe even some numb chucks on their ass.

Q: So I was watching TV the other day and this advertisement for some kind of poop medicine came on. It stated that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does this mean that the fifth person enjoys it?
-Jumbo F. Cambridge, OH. Age 19.

Roosta: Let me just say, that I am the 5th guy and I enjoy every minute of diarrhea. It's an explosion of goodness, and you get to experience it about 14 times every shit. No one enjoys being at school or work, when your ass is "talking" to you with that bubbling language. Once you "assume the position" on the toilet it's game time. Man I love diarrhea.

Ian: I think for the first time ever, Roosta and I agree on this one. Hell yes the fifth man enjoys it. Think about it. When you have diarrhea, man you have to shit bad. You feel like your ass is about to explode. You literally have to squeeze your ass cheeks together so nothing leaks out. But then, when you finally get to shit, your ass gets to drop a fecal atomic bomb into your toilet that damn near shatters the thing. I’m talking projectile poop shooting. And I know I don’t have to explain to you how good that feels. It’s euphoric. You feel like a new man. There may not be anything better than letting lose that monstrosity. Not spring break, not Doritos, not even free Internet porn sites.

Q: I don’t think it’s any secret that there is a serious gas crisis right now with prices getting higher and higher almost ever day. What do you guys think we should do about this problem? You guys have any solutions?
-Julia F. San Francisco, CA. Age 26.

Ian: Well the thing is, the reason we use gas is because it is fuel that provides energy. And because not many things do the same, a substitute is hard to find. But I was thinking, whenever I eat vanilla pudding I get all kinds of energy and get very hyper. So I was thinking, if vanilla pudding can have this type of effect on me, I’m sure it would do the same to a car. If it gives me energy, why not a car? Being so, I think we should start using pudding as gas. Plus it’s cheaper and it won’t fry your brain if you eat or inhale it.

Roosta: Pudding? Wow, Ian I think you're really on to something here. Fuckin’ idiot. I think the solution to the gas problem is simple. Steal it. First, you need to get some new plates. You can easily get these at night off of any random car. Now when it's time to get gas just switch plates, fill it up, and take off! The cameras will get the license plate of the car you stole them from and you're golden.

Q: Alright guys, ever since I was in grade school I always wondered what the big deal was with #2 pencils. If they’re so special why aren’t they #1?
- Lisa T. Bayside, CA Age 34.

Roosta: This is easy. Remember back in the day when you would race your friends and it was never about who came in first. We all know first is the worst and second is the best. Man I hated coming in third and being the only 10-year-old kid with a hairy chest. “Bic” caught on to this and next thing you know, every test we have we need a #2 pencil, because second is best.

Ian: First of all dick, there’s nothing wrong with a hairy chest. Chicks dig it. As for the pencil thing, the #1 pencil was created by Poland. But I think it goes without saying, that because Pollacks are retarded morons, the pencil sucked, didn’t write well, and always broke. Man those Polish people are idiots, they can’t get anything right. But this next part may surprise you. Knowing that the Polish #1 pencil sucked, a bunch of Jews took advantage and got together, worked the kinks out, and created the new and improved #2 pencil. This one was much better, blew the #1 pencil out of the water, and the sales made them millions. You know those Jews, always looking to make a buck.

Q: Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through ATM machines?
-Julie F. Sacramento CA. Age 31.

Ian: That’s because blind people are lazy assholes. Instead of sucking it up and walking their bitch asses up to the walk up ATM with their handy little white stick, they play the ‘I’m blind, please help me’ card and sucker some fool into driving them to the ATM so they can take out cash, that they can’t even tell if it’s a $1 or a $100 bill. As if it wasn’t bad enough that we had to walk around their slow weaving asses on the street, now we have to drive their lazy asses places too? Assholes.

Roosta: Yeah, blind people are assholes. The only reason why there’s Braille on ATM machines, is because if it weren’t there, then blind fucks would sue the government for discrimination. Next time you cross the street and you’re waiting for the “it’s okay to walk guy” to light up, look right next to it and you’ll see another guy light up with a walking stick. Blind people were complaining about that too, so the government gave them one.

Q: All the other kids at my school have nicknames except for me. Can you guys give me one? I’m funny, I like to play the card game “Magic,” and I want to be a Computer Technician when I grow up. I was thinking Spike might be good because I spiked the volleyball once in gym class and we scored. Let me know what you guys think. Thanks a bunch!
-Baxter B. Miami, FL. Age 17.

Roosta: No guy who plays “Magic” will ever get the nickname Spike, sorry. After reading your question the first thing that came to my mind was Grundle. You know the piece of skin that connects the…. well you get the idea. I vote for Grundle. What do you think Ian? Does Grundle do this boring fuck justice?

Ian: Hell no it doesn’t do justice. Is this kid fucking serious? Is this kid really asking for a nickname? Man, that’s almost as pathetic as the guy that creates his own nickname and tries to get everyone to call him that. Damn that’s annoying. Man Baxter, you are one pathetic loser. But you know what, I am going to give you a nickname. You know who you remind me of? You remind me of someone else who was an annoying, pathetic loser. Remember Kimmy Gibbler from Full House? Man was she pathetic. But not as pathetic as she was annoying. And that’s what you are Baxter. So from now on, your sorry ass will be known as Gibbler.

Q: Who’s brilliant idea was it to put a S in the word LISP?
-Pedro R. Anchorage AL,. Age 19.

Ian: It’s because of Roger McLispon. Don’t recognize the name? Well he was the midget in all of the scary Leprechaun movies. And you may not know it, but he always slurred his S’s. And because he was a midget, naturally people made fun of him behind is back for it, and called him Lispy. They talked so much shit his name eventually became associated with the speech impediment. Too bad he had the last laugh when he was propelled to superstardom through his acting in the 5 star classics, Leprechaun 1-6, including my personal favorite Leprechaun in the Hood.

Roosta: Well Dear Zubaz just hit an all-time low with that retarded answer. Come on man, if you don’t know the answer think of something better than Lispy the Leprechaun. Sorry Pedro but it looks like Ian has been smoking too much crack this morning to answer your questions. The people behind putting an ‘S’ in the word Lisp are the Indians of the Cherokee tribe. If you check Webster’s Encyclopedia, the Cherokee tribe is credited with one word, and one word only. Lisp.

Q: When having sex, my husband always wants me to put on lingerie first. Why are guys like this? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-Daisy D. Pittsburg, PA. Age 36.

Roosta: Hey beautiful, are you wearing lingerie right now? Maybe you should just ditch your “hubby” for a night and come knock on Roosta’s door. Sound good? I’ll get the champagne and strawberries if you wear your hottest piece of lingerie baby girl. Meet me in room 112 at Chuck’s Motel around 8:30ish.

Ian: Congratulations on being a retard and not answering the woman’s question. I suppose I’ll field this one. Hell no, love isn’t blind. Only fat chicks say that because it keeps them from wrapping their lips around a shotgun. It’s their way of having hope that some day they will find love, when some sorry ass man will look past their jelly rolls, and love them for their personality that probably sucks worse than their disgusting body shape. Nice try girls, but your fooling nobody but yourself. Lingerie is eye candy for a man’s soul. You want to get a man fired up for sex? This is how it works. Well that and sucking on his balls.

That’s it for this time fans. Keep sending in some questions and we’ll be sure to answer them right here on Zubazpants.com. For those of you whose question’s we used this time, thanks for the mail, and you’ll be receiving your autographed picture of Mike Morano any day now. And one of you is going to get a nice surprise. Mike cut a lock of hair and put it in with one of the pictures. Hope you like it!

Questions? Comments? Want to email us some questions? If so, email us at ikartz11@yahoo.com or notoriousrkg@yahoo.com.