Myself, Ian Valentine, and my colleague Roosta da Neezy recently discovered that we may be the smartest, most enlightened, and wisest men in America. We really are God’s Gift to Society with this talent. I know, it may be hard to believe, but us two guys really know our stuff.

But instead of hiding our gift, and only using it for our own good, we decided to share our knowledge with the world and it’s people. So we opened up our mailboxes, and our hearts, and took questions from our loyal readers, who were looking for answers to many questions.

Thousands upon Thousands of letters poured in, ranging from people needing advice, to just random questions they needed answered. And after we answered everyone, we decided to put a few on here to share with the rest of our readers. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope we were of some help. If any of our other readers have any questions you need answered, send them to ikartz11@yahoo.com or notoriousrkg@yahoo.com, and if your question makes it to print, we will send you an autographed picture of ZubazPants.com’s own Mike Morano.

Q: My daddy beats up my mommy sometimes, and really hurts her. It scares me and I feel bad for my mommy. Why does he do this?
-Billy C., Philadelphia, PA. Age: 7

Ian: He does it because you are a mistake. Your mother was supposed to be on the pill and like a typical woman she forgot, and got knocked up. Now your family is totally fucked up with a lack of money and an annoying 8-year-old running around that they didn’t even want in the first place. Basically, it’s all your fault. Do your whole family a favor and stick your head in the oven.

Roosta: That’s a little harsh wouldn’t you say? Now Billy, Ian just answered you that way because you pretty much ripped a page right out of his childhood. His parents were a little on the broke side so they couldn’t afford an abortion so they were stuck with him. To answer your question though, your dad sounds like a complete cocksucker. What you need to do is steal some of his money and go out and buy a pistol and shoot his ass in the face. As long as your money is green your age won’t be a problem.

Q: Hey guys its Laura from Jersey. Maybe you can answer this question that’s been bothering me for years. How come all prices end with the number 9? Wouldn’t it just be easier if everything ended with zero?
-Laura W., Newark, NJ. Age: 31

Roosta: I may be the only person in the World that knows this answer but its simple, the number nine rhymes with cool words like spine, turpentine, and my personal favorite, unemployment line. The ending number was going to be eight until they realized it rhymes with masturbate and that didn’t go over too well.

Ian: That may be the most retarded answer I have ever heard, you moron. The real answer is because it’s the government’s ploy to keep pennies is fluctuation. You and I both know that pennies are about as useless as a pinky toe, and really serve no purpose. But because the government sucks, it has no clue how to get rid of all the useless pennies, so instead they choose to make sure they are needed in society by making sure every price end in a nine, and thus you need to use 4 pennies per purchase. Wow, I thought that was obvious, idiot.

Q: This question is especially for you Ian, what hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
-Mike L., Oakland CA. Age: 29

Ian: Well aren’t you just a funny little prick. Let me remind you that I have both you email and IP address and will soon be sending you a virus that will Pearl Harbor your hard drive. Suck on that bitch.

Roosta: Mike that’s such a great question I’m going to mail you five bucks. Don’t worry about the virus, Ian’s just pissed off that he looks like a broke ass Mr. Clean. As for the hair color on the license, bald guys get ‘UUBAMF’ next to the hair color spot that stands for Ugly Unfortunate Bald Ass Mother Fucker. Check the next hairless guy’s I.D. and you’ll see.

Q: Why is a dog a man’s best friend and not a woman’s?
-Jackie J. Chicago, IL. Age: 23

Roosta: This is easy. Girls don’t have balls to put peanut butter on so their dog can lick it off. Now if you chicks go and put some jelly on your nipples then who knows, dogs might end up being your best friend after all. Why do you care about it anyways? Girls have to have everything for themselves. Greedy bitches!

Ian: Because a woman already has a best friend, her mirror. I have never met a girl who doesn’t spend hours looking in the mirror a day. In the morning, every time they go to the bathroom, and then they even have one in their purse to look at every spare second. Girls are so vain they make me sick. They make me want kill myself, but not before they make me a sandwich first of course.

Q: All the other girls in school have bigger boobs than me. It’s really embarrassing and makes me sad because all the boys talk to them and not me. What do I do?
-Sarah B., Seattle, WA. Age: 17

Ian: First, they’re tits, not boobs. And second, you better have a nice ass, because if you don’t have either, you might as well cut your hair short, start acting manly, and become a dyke because that’s the only way you will ever get any ass. But to answer your question, you don’t need big tits for the guys to like you. Just be a big whore by blowing all the guys and spreading your legs. I guarantee you’ll be the most popular girl in school in no time.

Roosta: I can’t believe we just got an email from the “Flattest Girl In School.” Man I hate girls like you. There’s really not too much hope for you. Like Ian said though, just start sleeping with every guy and letting everyone of them give you a facial. Maybe if you swallow enough your boobs will have some kind of weird reaction to sperm and you’ll get some Double D’s, there’s only one way to find out.

Q: Exactly how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
-Justin B. Raleigh, NC. Age: 16

Roosta: You fuckin’ Southerners are all alike. Why the hell did you waste your time writing this email? Like finding out about a damn woodchuck is going to complete your life. Go chew some tobacco and hang up some more Confederate flags ya damn hick. Woodchucks are environmentalists and they just stopped chuckin on wood last year. How’s that for an answer?

Ian: Just like the G-spot on a woman, it’s all a myth. Have you ever even seen a woodchuck? And if you have, have you ever seen it ‘chuck’ wood? No? Didn’t think so. I bet you have seen gophers, beavers, chipmunks, and maybe even a possum. But I know you’ve never seen a woodchuck. It’s all a myth. Woodchucks don’t even exist, therefore they won’t be chucking a God damn thing.

Q: Considering only women get it, why is it called MENstuation?
-MaryAnne H., Roanoke, VA. Ag: 24

Ian: Are you serious? I think it’s obvious that it’s because men are superior. Men are the dominant force in this world, and we just allow women just live in it. If it weren’t for us, they wouldn’t even be here as women are so weak, dumb and useless they would probably be extinct. By having our name associated with a womanly function, it is basically women being thankful and commending us for allowing them to be associated with our male dominated world.

Roosta: This is simple, the definition of menstruation is: The most glorious week for mankind. Throughout the whole week of menstruation guys are rewarded with countless number of blowjobs from their partners. “That time of the month” never sounded so good.

Q: This is a two-part question for you guys. What was the first guy thinking who thought to himself that he was going to eat the next thing that popped out of that chickens ass and isn’t it still considered shit even though it’s an egg?
-Butch B., Jacksonville, FL. Age: 41

Roosta: It was actually a farmer named Brutis from Louisiana. One day he was just too lazy to cook up the chicken so he just thought it would be easier to eat the egg instead. Seeing how chicken taste so good he thought chicken’s shit would be better than pussy. To answer your second question, anything and I mean anything that comes out of someone’s asshole is shit. There’s no way around it. It’s shit… bottom line you salad-tossers.

Ian: Most people don’t know this, but the idea of eating eggs came from Denmark. Hundreds of years ago Denmark was a very poor country with not many resources beyond that of their only animal inhabitant, yes you guessed it; the chicken. However, after eating chicken for every meal, day in and day out, eventually the people got desperate for new sources of food. So desperate that they grabbed the little white dump that plopped out of the chicken, ate it, and surprisingly it was delicious. Soon enough other countries found out and followed suite. And because of this amazing discovery, and only because of this amazing discovery, Denmark has been a world power ever since. As for your second question, I’ll have to agree with Roosta on this one, Hell yes it’s shit. Anything that comes out of an ass is shit. No butts about it. Ahahahahahahaha. Get it…. Butts!!!

Q: I am a meteorologist, and I keep coming across the same question, but I can never find a good answer. Maybe you can help. What would the speed of lighting be if it didn’t zigzag?
-Steve R., Ph. D., Greensboro, NC. Age: 45

Ian: Probably not nearly as quick as it would take me to get your wife to cheat on you with me. You’re obviously a boring pussy if you really care about the speed of lighting, and I can guarantee your wife is bored with your pathetic ass, and is looking for someone to show her what a real man is like. Now here’s a weather related question for you. How loud will the thunder of my nuts hitting your wife’s chin be?

Roosta: Apparently Ian didn’t want to answer your question Steve so it’s on me. You’re going to have to grab a pen and paper for this one. Now draw a classic lightning bolt. One line angled a little bit down, then a straight line across, then down in the same angle. Now that straight line across is about half of the length of one angled line, so being the math wiz that I am, you come to find out that without the zigzag a lightning bolt would be 25 percent faster than it was before.

Q: What’s up Roosta and Mr. Valentine? How ya’ll doin’? I just had to ask what’s up with those silent letters? Those things cause me some serious problems in my elementary English course.
- Barney W., Newport News, VA. Age: 38

Roosta: It’s doubtful that the cheetah ate the lamb using a knife, so the cheetah’s exhausted body gnawed away at the lamb all night. Man I bet that sentence just fucked you all up right Barney? With a name like that I wouldn’t expect you to know anything. Whoever decided to throw some silent letters in words did it strictly to fuck with people like you.

Ian: How ironic there’s a silent E in your name, huh Barney. But really it’s because of those stupid Latin bitches, as almost all of the English language is based on their language. And we all know those people are about as intelligent as an autistic inbred, so of course the way they spell isn’t going to be the most miraculous thing. But why America chose to mimic morons for a written language, well that’s because we have a Republican president.

That’s it for today everybody. I hope our words of wisdom helped everyone whose question we answered, and also those who just happened to read this. And for those whose question we published, you will be receiving your autographed Mike Morano picture in 7-10 business days. But if any of you have any questions you need answered by the smartest men this side of the equator, feel free to email us at ikartz11@yahoo.com or notoriosrkg@yahoo.com, and you never know, it might just get published in our next Dear Zubaz update.